Recovered Isn’t A Fairytale
Affirmations are important. Another tool in my anxiety management toolbox. Little mental reminders that reinforce who I am and what is important. As I progress through recovery my affirmations evolve. While it may not seem like one, reminding myself that Recovered isn’t a Fairytale has become an incredibly important affirmation.
The closer I get to Recovered, the more intimidated I get by identifying as Recovered. That probably sounds strange but when I started recovery in my twenties, and even when I re-committed to recovery earlier this year, I thought Recovered meant everything in my life would be fixed. My eating disorder would be gone and life would be perfect. Lollipops and rainbows. No pain, no hurt. No anxiety, no stress. I’d be thin, happy, have tons of friends, a dream career and, of course, be Mother of the Year. Happily ever after. A Fairytale.
I believed Recovered was a Fairytale because I had no idea what a Recovered life looked like. As I get closer to Recovered, I realize how unrealistic that belief is because if my life has to be perfect to be Recovered, I’ll never be Recovered.
So I remind myself, Recovered isn’t a Fairytale.
Recovered means I no longer have eating disorder thoughts or behaviors. Recovered does not mean life will be perfect. Life is hard. Really hard. And despite not having eating disorder thoughts or behaviors anymore, my life isn’t perfect. I get hurt, I feel sad. I get anxious, I stress out. And, for reasons I can’t explain, no one has awarded me Mother of the Year yet.
Everyday I confront a myriad of emotions. In addition to affirmations, I learned, and continue to learn, different coping strategies that help me feel and work through my emotions in healthy ways. But it isn’t always easy (it turns out even joy requires vulnerability). Frankly, life can be overwhelming and down right exhausting at times.
So I remind myself, Recovered isn’t a Fairytale. Recovered means I don’t have an eating disorder anymore. Not having an eating disorder anymore means that I get to live my life. Feel my life. Love with my whole heart, pursue my passions, connect with people on a deeper level, laugh until my belly hurts, and cry because I am so overwhelmed with joy I can’t even stand it. I also get to fall flat on my face, embarrass myself, stress out, fail, hurt, cry, and hide. And then I get to rise and do it all again. It isn’t a Fairytale, but it is pretty awesome.
4 Comments
Linda
You’re perspective is spot on, Ali. Life is a balancing act composed of ups and downs. The goal/gift is to derive enough joy and happiness from the ‘ups’ to get us through the inevitable ‘downs’. Your posts are inspiring.
Emily
This is a good one, Ali! It’s a good reminder to me that perfection should never be my goal. Not only is it unattainable and IMPOSSIBLE (duh, Emily!), but that idea steals away my optimism for improvement. Why does it seem like things aren’t worth doing unless I can do them flawlessly?? Grr. Vulnerability again! But change and growth are worth sticking my neck out for. I’ll probably fail a lot as I go but that’s ok! Still worth it! Thanks for the reminder, Ali. xo
roadtorecovered2015
Thank you so much Emily! Your comments are so insightful. Vulnerability is a doozy and something I practice (not perfectly) everyday. It’s so funny because I never thought of myself as a perfectionist until I realized there were so many things I wasn’t doing because I was afraid I wouldn’t be perfect (a passive perfectionist? Is that a thing?) And, of course, the only way to protect myself from feelings of shame, judgment and blame was to be perfect. Or NOT! The truth was I felt so many of those same feelings anyways even when I wasn’t doing anything. Now that I know those feelings are always a possibility and temporary, I figure I may as well Dare Greatly and see what happens. I totally agree that change and growth are worth sticking your neck out for. Failure is always a possibility. So I remind myself that failure is a great catalyst for positive change. And even though there is always a chance of falling, if you put yourself out there and Dare Greatly, there is also a chance you could fly. Yeah, totally worth it!
“Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.” – Brené Brown
roadtorecovered2015
Thank you so much, Mom! This one took a while to write because I had trouble wrapping my brain around why I have been so resistant to calling myself Recovered. I am so glad you understood what I was trying to say. And thank you for adding your perspective!