Hamilton

Dear Friends,

I can’t believe it’s been over four months since my last post. So much happened and I look forward to sharing it all with you. But before I do, I want to tell you about something that happened because I recovered from my eating disorder.

I saw Hamilton on Broadway.

My eating disorder thrived on keeping me disconnected. It kept me focused on two things: My body and food. Everything else felt like borrowed time. Through recovery I started connecting. To my body, to people, to books, to tv shows, to music, to moments, to Hamilton.

This is my Hamilton story.

My obsession with Hamilton started last year at a pivotal place in my recovery. I was feeling all the feelings and searching for connection and inspiration. Negative and scary feelings easily distracted me because I wasn’t use to feeling them. I yearned for something hopeful and inspirational to help keep me on the road to recovered.

Enter, Hamilton.

It’s amazing what art and creativity can do when you open yourself up to it. The Hamilton cast album blew me away. I also loved the story behind the musical. How a story about our nation’s founding fathers was being told by people of color through rap and hip-hop. And how it took Lin Manuel Miranda (who wrote the book, lyrics and music) six years to write it.

Six years. That resonated with me. When I was working through recovery I often wished I could fast forward to recovered. In the early days I couldn’t even imagine what recovered looked like, I just knew I wanted to get there. Fast.  Recovery was so painful, scary and hard and I was so tired. I just wanted it to be over already.

Then I reminded myself that it took Lin six years to write Hamilton. Good things take time. And fantastic, life changing things take a lot of time. And a lot of hard work. It helped put recovery into perspective. I listened to the soundtrack everyday. Sent it to friends and people I just met. I got my kids into it. And no doubt annoyed my family by signing lyrics and talking about the show. NONSTOP.

Last week, I had the opportunity to go to New York. I went with the SOLE objective of seeing Hamilton. But I didn’t have a ticket. I looked online and the cheapest ticket I could find was $1000. I knew the digital lottery was my only chance at a more affordably priced ticket (before each show the theatre runs a lotto for the seats in the first two rows. It’s called ham4ham because each lotto ticket costs ten bucks). I knew my chances of winning were slim to none because over ten thousand people entered the digital lottery every day. But I decided to go to New York and try my luck with the lottery anyway.

Okay, making the decision wasn’t quite that easy. Honestly, I was ready to cancel it altogether because of all the anxiety triggers: the flight to/from New York, getting from the airport to Midtown (and back again), leaving the boys (although I knew they’d be in good hands with Nana and Grandma Jean), SO MANY PEOPLE, and, ya know, trying to score a ticket to the hottest show on Broadway. If I still had the eating disorder I never would have agreed to go to NY in the first place. And if I had gone, I probably would have stayed in the hotel room the whole time.

Despite all the anxiety triggers, Steve convinced me the vacation would be worth it. I knew he was right. (Steve went as well but flew separately and we barely saw each other because he worked the whole time while I…well, I played :-).)

When I got to New York, I went to our hotel in the middle of Times Square (HOLY PEOPLE!!), checked my bag with the bellhop and walked the block and a half to the Richard Rodgers Theatre (Hamilton).  Looking back I’m not sure what I thought I might accomplish by going to the theatre, but to the theatre I went.

I walked up to the marquee around noon and there were a ton of people there (curtain wasn’t until 7pm). Some were taking pictures of the marquee or just passing through, while a bunch of people (between twenty to thirty people) looked like they were camping out in front of the theatre.

I asked the doorman, Jimmy, what they were doing. He told me they were waiting in the cancellation line. As an avid theatre goer, I was shocked! I’d never heard of a cancellation line before. I had a lot of questions. Basically, minutes before each show the theatre releases cancellation tickets. Some days they may have twenty cancellation tickets, some days two, and some days zero. Cancellation tickets vary in price but are usually somewhere between $170 and $550 (unless you get a standing room ticket. Those are $40).

Cancellation tickets are first come/first serve. I spoke with a teenage girl who was in line with her younger sister and Dad. They got to the theatre at 5 am that morning (Dad of the Year!) Most of the others had been there for several days (Later, I learned most wait three days for a ticket).

 

 

Jimmy discouraged me from joining the line. He said there probably wouldn’t be many cancellation tickets this week because it was Lin, Leslie and Phillipa’s last week. He encouraged me to enjoy my three days in New York and not spend them waiting in line. I was inclined to agree. I didn’t want to spend all my time waiting in line for just a chance to see Hamilton. (Actually part of me did want to do it, but the other part knew there were other phenomenal shows to see.)

I decided to just do the live and digital lotteries and spend the rest of my time seeing other shows and tourist attractions. I knew I’d have to do some waiting for the live lotto on Wednesday. But hey, the live lotto usually only had about three thousand entries. So, yay three thousand! Better odds! Someone has to win, right?!

I entered the digital lotto on Tuesday and part of me actually thought I might win. Back in ’96, I won the live lotto for Rent twice, so I thought maybe I had good luck with Broadway lotteries. Cut to 4:00pm. The rejection email was swift and the disappointment acute. I sucked it up and rallied.

I put my newfound knowledge regarding the cancellation line to use and headed to the Eugene O’Neill Theatre box office. I arrived about thirty minutes before showtime and was the first person in the cancellation line (holla!). I waited approximately three minutes before they sold me the “Julia Roberts” seat (their words) at an “Ali Fields” price (my words). For the first time that day, I felt like I’d won at something.

I sat next to a mother and son from Indiana. Like me, they came to New York with the hopes of seeing Hamilton. They only had a day left and found resale tickets for one of Wednesday’s shows for $1,200 a ticket. They were leaning towards buying the tickets. (and I daydreamed about taking a similar mother/son(s) trip with my boy(s) in ten to fifteen years.)

The Book of Mormon was hilarious! So fun, so much talent and a message I enjoyed. The entire cast was fantastic! Elder McKinley was my fav (such SASS!) I left the show filled with excitement.

Steve got into town while I was at the show, so we met up around 10:00 pm and got something to eat. Since we were so close to the Richard Rodgers Theatre (wink, wink), I suggested we head over to see if anything was happening at the stage door. There were a TON of people there waiting. We saw Mariska Hargitay and her family come out. The understudy who played Aaron Burr that night also came out. Steve lasted maybe ten minutes before heading back to the hotel. I stayed for another twenty minutes during which time nothing happened (I loved every moment of it.)

Steve had to work the next day, so I mentally prepared myself to stand in line for the Hamilton live lottery and ham4ham show. I got in line early so I could get a good spot for the ham4ham show. I got to the theatre a little after 9am and the line was already almost to the end of the block. I hoped to see the mother and son I met the night before at The Book of Mormon but there were A. LOT. OF. PEOPLE.

The lotto didn’t start until noon so I waited for three hours to write my name on a piece of paper and put it in a huge bin that would eventually be filled with over 3,000 names. I met some super nice people from Australia who made the time go by quickly.

The waiting paid off because I got a pretty good spot for the show. Front row stage (or stair) right. I was SUPER psyched because I knew this was probably the closest I would get to seeing anything Hamilton related. For 45 minutes I stressed about someone making me move.

Lin came out around 12:45ish and read a love letter Hamilton wrote to Eliza. Then Phillipa, Leslie and OAK (my fav) came out. Everyone lost their minds (myself included) and it was tough to get a good view. Since it was Lin, Phillipa and Leslie’s last week we all sang Happy Trails (Oak held up cue cards). It was awesome.

After the show, Kaitlin Fine read the lucky winners. We all clapped for the winners while secretly hating them. I didn’t win but was happy to see Lin’s last ham4ham. I was also tired. The air around the theatre is electric but also tense and a bit stressful. Everyone wants a ticket and would do almost anything to get one. Not to mention the cast sightings. Everyone wants to be apart of every moment and it’s just not possible. There are too many people.

So after four hours of standing in line, I was ready for a Hamilbreak. I hopped on a bus and headed downtown. I promised my boys I’d see the Statue of Liberty, so I did. I relaxed and saw the sights. At 4 pm, I got the dreaded, “Unfortunately, you were not selected…” email from Hamilton (which feels a lot like “It’s not you, it’s me”).

That evening I went to see The Color Purple. I went directly to the box office at the Benard B. Jacobs Theatre and got an incredibly amazing seat for an incredibly amazing price. I cannot even begin to describe how magnificent the show was. I spent the entire second act trying very hard not to sloppy cry in front of a bunch of strangers (including Sharon Lawrence who was sitting right in front of me). Cynthia Erivo got a well deserved standing ovation in the middle of the second act and it all felt like magic. Her talent was awe inspiring.

Same for Danielle Brooks, who played Sofia (she also plays Taystee on OITNB). Oh my goodness was she fun to watch on stage! I’m not sure why, but being in the room with people living their passion and using their talent to connect with others makes me cry (this is a new thing I discovered through recovery). Anyway, I cried a lot during The Color Purple. There were some sad tears (because it’s The Color Purple), some talent tears and some female empowerment tears.

I waited by the stage door and got autographs. I don’t think I’ve ever done that before (aside from Hamilton the night before when I hadn’t even seen the show). As I walked back to the hotel, I realized that even if I didn’t see Hamilton, I got to see Cynthia Erivo’s Tony winning performance and Danielle Brooks’ Tony nominated performance (not to mention the incomparable Heather Headley). That would be enough (you with me Hamilton fans ;-)).