Cultivating my Support Team
Building a support team is a strong foundation for recovery. Past experience, and 8 Keys to Recovery From an Eating Disorder, taught me the significance of working with professionals who create a safe space.
In April 2015 I had a general practitioner who did not make me feel safe. I’d been seeing her for a few years. My weight was discussed at virtually every single appointment. Even sick visits!
I stressed for weeks before every appointment. I’d restrict my food intake for fear of what the doctor’s scale might say about me. And leave her office feeling terrible about myself. I thought it was normal to be body shamed by your doctor. Until April 2015.
At my yearly well visit, I decided to tell her about my eating disorder and that I was working on recovery. When she responded with a random comment about my weight (despite the fact I hadn’t even stepped on the scale at that appointment) I knew it would be my last appointment with her.
I was very lucky to find another general practitioner who was kind, engaging, a good listener. I told my new GP about my eating disorder history, my recovery plan and my prior negative experience with doctors. She listened, asked questions and agreed take a holistic view of my health. I never stepped on a scale at her office and she provided me with comprehensive and compassionate care. She made me feel safe.
Around the same time I also started looking for a therapist. I knew I wanted to work with someone who was recovered or in recovery. I searched online and stumbled upon a woman named Liz Fuhro, who was running an eating disorder support group. I reached out via email. Although the group was no longer meeting, Liz was accepting new clients.
Liz became an incredible ally as I navigated through recovery. She made me feel safe. She listened to me, believed me, supported me, challenged me, and met me where I was on any given day (emotionally speaking). I had to do the work, but I didn’t have to do it alone.
I continue to see Liz, albeit not as frequently as when I was in recovery. I don’t have an eating disorder anymore, but I continue to live with anxiety and depression. Talking with her regularly is one of the most powerful tools in my anxiety and depression management toolbox.
Please check out Liz’s website and services HERE
April 6, 2015
Had a nice weekend. Got the garage painted on Saturday which was great. It still needs another coat of paint, but we will worry about that some other time. I saw my doc on Friday. Argh. She’s always late to her first appointment of the day!! Drives me nuts, and I always feel like she is looking for reasons to charge me more money. I really need to go see another doc. That will be my mission for today. Find another primary care doc. Argh. Now I totally get why people hate going to the doctor. So frustrating and annoying!!!!! I like my OB. I wonder if I could just go there for checkups.
I’m a little anxious this morning. Not too bad.
Okay, on my agenda for this week… find a new doctor! I am also looking for a ED therapist in the area who is covered by my insurance. If I’m going to be paying a shit ton of money, it may as well be going towards our deductible.
April 7, 2015
Ahhhh, sleep. Last night felt good. Man, I guess I was wiped out from the weekend. I overate a little yesterday but was able to keep things in check. I felt anxious about revealing my ED history to my doctor, who I can’t stand.
Okay, my feelings are all over the map. I am a bit anxious because I am behind in my writing class. I also have a prescription for bloodwork on my counter. I’m almost annoyed I have it on the counter because I feel like I must go do it now. I don’t. Maybe I’ll feel better if I just make the damn appointment to get the blood work done.
Okay, I just made the appointment for 8 am on Friday. I’m just going to get it done. I’ll bring the boys with me. Hopefully it won’t take too long since I have an appointment.
I am also a bit anxious about the writing class. I am going to write about the day my grandma died and how love can transcend location. She was in a nursing home that was so impersonal and cold. Yet when she died it felt like the room was filled with love. The moment we shared that day was one I will never forget. In that moment all my positive memories with her came flooding back like a tidal wave.
April 9, 2015
I had a good meeting with a therapist. Her name is Liz. I feel a little guilty about talking so much. She doesn’t have her license yet and she is in recovery. I don’t think she considers herself recovered but I gather that she is far along in her recovery. I am older than her for sure.
April 12, 2015
Right now, per the 10 Phases of Eating Disorder Recovery, I am in Phase 7. I can stop the behaviors, but not my thoughts. There may be a little Phase 6 in there too, I can stop some of the behaviors but not all of them. Emotional eating is still an issue.
I am having the most trouble letting go of weight loss as a goal. Despite my efforts to eat consciously, I still hope to lose weight. I think I must lose weight if I stop emotional eating and binging (without purging). Whenever I eat, I cringe and wonder if the food will be a trigger or if I will gain weight.
Okay, back to Phase 6 and 7. I probably hover between the two. Purging and binging aren’t an issue right now, but I still turn to emotional eating. I eat to change how I’m feeling and relieve anxious and uneasy feelings. I also think I may habitually overeat almond butter because it is so heavy and filling. It is almost like I eat it to fill feelings of emptiness. When I dip bread in almond butter it is so thick and heavy it almost feels like I can’t swallow it.
Thoughts:
- Weight loss is always the goal. I have been in a constant state of trying to lose weight for as long as I can remember. Even more so post children. I think about losing weight daily and several times a day at that.
- Do I feel thin?
- Does it look like I’ve lost weight?
- I’ve tried all the diets.
- If I lose weight people will like me more, respect me more, listen to me more, etc.
- If I lose weight, I will finally find my purpose in life and live my best self.
- If I lose weight, I will be a better mom.
- If I lose weight, I will finally have the passion and commitment to follow my dream of writing a screenplay.
- If I lose weight, then I will dress nice and take pride in my appearance.
- It’s like I only do what I have to do to eek by each day because I don’t feel like I’m worth the effort.
April 12 (Handwritten Journal)
I’ve felt a bit down all day. A little depressed, but manageable. Tonight, I felt myself losing it a bit with some chocolate I found. I grabbed this notebook and headed upstairs.
April 14, 2015
Yesterday was not a great day, feelings wise. I felt pretty blah most of the day. Not actively unhappy but not overly joyful. I could have easily teetered into depression but didn’t. I think the boys were a part of that. I played and engaged with them which was nice. We played pretend, went for walks, did a puzzle…. It helped to connect with the boys and play with them. They are sweet kids. They kept hugging each other yesterday. It was so sweet. Wyatt did try to get a bit aggressive, but he was careful with his little bro.
I want to feel connected and inspired. Last night I felt myself getting a bit out of control with some chocolate I found in the utility drawer, so I went upstairs. I was able to talk myself down and I only ate three pieces of the chocolate
I felt fat most of the day and Mom mentioning that I had to take an “after” picture for the Gold’s Challenge on Wednesday was not super helpful. I’m stressed about having to finish the 12-week challenge. I guess you can win prizes or something. I suppose I can finish and just not weigh myself or do measurements. I can write the essay on how the Challenge helped me realize I wasn’t as recovered as I thought. Just the thought of facing (again) the fact that I have gained weight is not super fun.
I want to feel inspired and connected. I would also like to not feel tired or triggered after the boys go to bed so I can be downstairs and watch The Flash with Steve and maybe even do a little writing. Maybe I will use my writing class to write my Gold’s Challenge Essay
Here is a writing fear I have: I won’t have enough time to formulate my thoughts. I feel like I am always under a time constraint. Whether it’s when the boys are going to need something, or I need to go to bed. I feel like I am often under the gun and lack the time to delve into anything.
Unfinished Handwritten Gold's Challenge Essay
This Challenge saved my life. Not because I lost a lot of weight or created six pact abs. Actually, it is because I didn’t do either of those things. My name is Ali Fields and I suffer from bulimia. For the past fourteen years I proclaimed I recovered from bulimia despite relapsing five to ten times a year (sometimes more).
***This post is part of blog series called Revealing My Road to Recovered. For more information about the series please click here: Revealing My Road to Recovered.
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