Reaching Out to a Person Instead of the Eating Disorder

April 3, 2015

I had a lot of feelings that I could have drowned in food, but I chose to confront them by talking with Steve. It was hard and uncomfortable, and I could tell Steve wasn’t completely down with it, but we did it. He doesn’t mind talking about feelings as long as they don’t involve negative feelings about him. He can get defensive. We all get defensive when confronted by people who aren’t happy with our behavior. I do it too. I know he is stressed out and also worried about me. I guess I wish that would translate to him being around to support me and the boys more

I worry Steve blames me for having hard kids. I am with them most of the time so when he gets frustrated with Wyatt or Harrison, I feel like he blames me for not raising them better. I feel like he thinks it’s my fault because I let them watch tv or don’t have a lesson plan. I am doing the best that I can, and I feel that I am having more quality one on one time with them.

I guess I am mad because I feel like he is judging me for not being a good enough parent while he is spending less and less time at home. I feel insecure about how I am raising the boys. When Steve says things, I tend to take it and turn it into him not approving of how I am handling the boys.

I feel bad about being mad because I know how hard he works, and I know he is stressed. I am sad because I would have hoped he would want to relax by being with us. Sometimes I feel disappointed because it seems like he would rather spend time with his friends than with us.

I am proud of myself for making the effort to talk to Steve last night. It wasn’t easy, but I did it anyway. It was definitely the hard thing.

I am not super excited about going to the doc today. It always takes forever, and I do not enjoy getting weighed. I am debating whether to be honest with the doc about my ED issues as it will be in my medical records and could cause an issue with insurance.

I suppose I should just jump over that hurdle and move forward. Glennon Melton exposed her history to everyone and she seems to be doing okay. I guess I should just tell the truth. The truth is that bulimia isn’t so much the issue anymore, it’s just binging and more specifically, using food to numb, and/or change my feelings. I have used food to hold me back and it is time to move forward.

***This post is part of blog series called Revealing My Road to Recovered. For more information about the series please click here: Revealing My Road to Recovered