The Vulnerability of a Daydream
Trigger warning: Internalized fatphobia, talk of eating disorder thoughts and behaviors.
On March 25, 2015, I felt good. Feeling good can be just as vulnerable as feeling bad, especially if you’re not use to it. I let myself indulge in the vulnerability of a daydream. I’ve always loved getting lost in a story. I’ve done it since I was a kid. I see my own kids doing it now. They act out their daydreams. Their creative inhibition gives me (and whoever else is watching) a front row seat to what’s on their mind and what matters to them. It’s wonderful.
Conversely, to me, daydreaming felt exquisitely vulnerable so I kept them in my head. In recovery, I started sharing them in my journal. When I first started writing about my daydreams the vulnerability made me uncomfortable. That discomfort led me to scroll Facebook for a distraction. Emotional land mines can pop up at any time and derail your morning, afternoon, evening or all three. While those landmines can be anywhere, social media is full of them.
While the discomfort didn’t initially lead to the eating disorder, checking Facebook, scrolling through entry after entry, often drove me into a spiral of rage, jealousy and self-loathing. Holding those overwhelming feelings inside led to the eating disorder. I obsessed about losing weight because it kept my mind distracted and the eating disorder told me if I lost weight I’d never have painful feelings. I binged because I felt empty, worthless and desperate for food to fill the void. I purged because I felt ashamed, out of control and like a powder keg about to explode.
As I moved through recovery in February and March 2015, I started letting some of those painful feelings out in my journal. As I did, the cause of those painful feelings began to come into focus. When I could see what was triggering those feelings, I could name it. When I could name it, I could explore it. When I could explore it, I could challenge and start diffusing it.
March 25, 2015
It’s interesting, when I start feeling better, I feel less inclined to write. I don’t think that is the right course of action though. I think it’s best to continue writing even though I am feeling good.
Today has brought some interesting inspirations. Jon Hamm just finished a 30-day stint in rehab. So then I thought how crazy would it be if he was in for alcohol addiction and I was in for my ED. That led to a script idea about two people who you would never expect to meet, put together that meet in rehab. They know that what they are feeling may be transference because they helped each other through recovery. They decide to part for one year. If they are still interested in pursuing something they will meet at a certain place at a certain date and time.
Argh, Jack tagged Alex, Sam and Winter in some pictures on Facebook so I saw his family. It brought up a lot of feelings. The kids are gorgeous. Emma is just beautiful, and Max is almost grown up. Crazy…Last time I saw them they were Wyatt and Harrison’s age. Jack looks the exact same. The kids look different, obviously, and Rebecca looks like Rebecca.
So many feelings. Some regret. I am sorry for any pain I caused their family. I am also embarrassed by some of my actions. Others are what they are. I was in love with Jack. Painfully in love. It was unrequited, but we were very close friends. He loved me, but not like I loved him.
The things I did for that family. But they also did things for me. I finished school and got my degree. Rebecca even helped me with a class I needed to finish to graduate. I am grateful for that.
Before Steve, there was Rick, before Rick there was Jack. Rick and Jack both broke my heart. In different ways of course. The break-up with Rick doesn’t evoke intense feelings anymore. I can’t say the same about Jack. I struggle to get past the embarrassment and regret.
Oh wait, and anger. I feel anger. I’m pissed because it was because of them that I was asked to leave the theatre company. Of course, I was in love with Jack. Everyone could see it. I recognize I was a stupid young girl in love with a married man. I am not saying I didn’t deserve what I got, but I am disappointed that such a bright spot in my life was sullied.
***This post is part of blog series called Revealing My Road to Recovered. For more information about the series please click here: Revealing My Road to Recovered
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