Grandma Martha

Oh how I LOVE my Grandma Martha and MISS her. On March 12, 2014, my paternal Grandmother, Grandma Martha, passed away surrounded by people who love her dearly. My Dad, my Mom, and I held her hand and stroked her hair as little eighteen month old Harrison played and puttered in the background. We affectionately told Grandma how much we love her and that it was okay to let go.

The days I spent with Grandma leading up to her passing are days I will never forget. I remember sitting with her, reading to her, talking to her, praying for her. I remember feeling like it was exactly where I was supposed to be. I remember my Dad coming in several times to hold her hand, lovingly touch her face and softly kiss her forehead. My brother Krist, came and stroked her forehead and said a tender goodbye. When we got to Grandma’s bedside on the morning she passed, my Mom immediately went to the chair next to Grandma and held her hand. She devotedly stayed by her side until it was over.

Today I am grateful that, despite the eating disorder, I was able to be fully present and experience those moments with my family. Very few things had the power to penetrate the toxic force field of self-loathing, self-doubt and food, weight and exercise obsession generated by the eating disorder. After Grandma Lee’s death and memorial, the eating disorder barrier refortified and trapped my feelings deep inside without understanding or clarity. Without understanding or clarity, those feelings didn’t dissipate. The discomfort caused by the unresolved feelings manifested as eating disorder thoughts and behaviors as well as judgment and lack of patience with others.

The early stage of my recovery aligned with the one year anniversary of Grandma’s death. As I strengthened my healthy-self and continued to journal regularly (as opposed to turning to an eating disorder behavior), those feelings started to come out in my journal.

March 26, 2015 (Writing exercise dialoguing with Grandma)

Me: This is going to be emotional.

GL: I know.

Me: I’m a little afraid to write about it.

GL: Why?

Me: It was one of those days I will never forget. It was so emotional and delving back into the emotion is a bit overwhelming.

GL: I’m worth it though, right?

Me: You are. But selfishly, I think the piece will focus more on how that day affected me. I’d like to make it a tribute to you but I’m not sure how to do that without making it about me.

GL: It is obviously going to be about you because you are writing the story. You can honor me by talking about what I meant to you. Why did I mean so much to you?

Me: Because I love you. We were close and spent a lot of time together. I wish I had known you better and asked you more questions. You lived such an interesting life. So different than the lives we live now. I feel like I should have done more for you.

GL: You didn’t let me die alone.

Me: I hated that you were in a nursing home. We all did. You loved your home and being home and you died in a cold, non-descript room. Surrounded by generic furniture and faded wallpaper. When I got there, I decided I would stay with you as much as I could. I would be with you so you were surrounded by love. Can love transport you from physical surroundings?

GL: I hope so. I was surrounded by three of the most important people in my life when I passed on. You, your Dad and Mom were all touching me. I felt all of you.

Me: I thought I would have been more scared. The first day I was. I didn’t know if I could handle being with you when you died.

GL: What changed?

Me: I’m not entirely sure. It may have been the guilt of seeing you in the nursing home surrounded by people and things that didn’t have any connection to you. We have a connection and I felt close to you. The more I sat with you, the more you gave me strength. I read the book from the hospice people and that gave me the tools, but you gave me the strength. I will never forget the moment you opened your eyes. I saw you Grandma. I saw you.

GL: I saw you too. I was scared but relived you were there. I couldn’t believe it was actually happening. I’d been waiting to see your Grandpa for so long, but I had been afraid to move on. The past several years, I’d given up but was too afraid to let go. It just got to the point where everything took too much effort.

Me: In the end, the surroundings didn’t matter. We created a love bubble.

***This post is part of blog series called Revealing My Road to Recovered. For more information about the series please click here: Revealing My Road to Recovered