“Recovery is a Full-Time Job, Until it Isn’t”
Trigger Warning: Diet talk, internalized fatphobia.
“Recovery is a full time job, until it isn’t.”
Kristy Amadio, CCI certified eating disorder recovery coach and founder of Recovered Living.
Once I realized I was sick, I continued the hard work of recovery. I didn’t know what I was doing, but I kept going. I took the next right step. I started working through the writing assignments in 8 Keys. Reading this entry now, I see my ED Self was in control, but I also see my Healthy Self peaking through. The ED colored my every thought, every moment. I remember every minute feeling like an obstacle to overcome. It was exhausting. Recovery felt like a full-time job.
March 17, 2015
I started this book, 8 Keys to Recover from an Eating Disorder by Carolyn Costin and Gwen Schubert Grabb. It turns out I wasn’t as recovered as I thought. I am at Phase 6 (out of 10) on the recovery scale. I can stop some of the behaviors but not all of them. For the most part I can stop purging and doing full binges, but I still find myself using food to try to make me feel better. And when stress or depression hits, the behaviors return.
My level of motivation.
I am at the preparation stage. I realize I have a problem and I want to change. I know I don’t know how to start or what to do, so I bought this book. The book speaks to me because I really want to be recovered. I’ve been living at stage 6 for many, many years now. I think at times I moved closer to stage 8, but since I had Wyatt a little over four years ago, I am constantly trying to lose weight.
What are the obstacles you can see that keep me from trying or moving forward?
Honestly, I think my biggest obstacle is me. Despite wanting to change, I am constantly wanting and trying to lose weight. I want to do a reboot so I can feel better about myself and not deal with food. Cleanse everything. But there is still always this desire to lose weight. I have absolutely no idea what my normal body size is because I have always had some level of disordered eating. I am ALWAYS trying a new eating plan in the hopes that it helps me recover and (lose weight).
What would you need to overcome these obstacles?
I have no idea. I think a vegetarian and vegan lifestyle are healthy but I’m not sure if…actually, I know I’m doing it for some of the right reasons. I don’t like eating meat. The meat industry is terrifying and the inhuman way they treat the animals makes me sick. I do remember having more mental clarity when I was juicing. I need to overcome myself and my overwhelming desire to lose weight rather than just be my best self.
Steve is supportive and is the only one who knows that continue to struggle with eating issues. I’m not sure about Mom. She would want to be supportive but she has so much of her own stress I’m not sure she could handle my troubles.
Who else might be a support? That’s tricky. I really don’t have a lot of close friends that live around me. I could call Andrea or Katie.
I could find an eating disorder support group. I always want to change but I never do. Here I’m thinking that if I go to the group and start losing weight it might…. Maybe Glennon from Momastary. I could write her a note. Church! I should get more involved in church.
Why do you want recovery?
I want to recover for my kids. I want to be a better mom. I also want to be a better wife and friend. I want to be my best self. I know I have made great strides over the last several years and I am grateful that I am not in the same spot I was in 20 years ago but it is time to finally put this ED to bed once and for all. My boys deserve better. Steve deserves better. I deserve better.
What small step toward change could I take at this time?
This is the hard part because I want to do a reboot but I’m not sure if that is the eating disorder or my desire for change talking. The first week or so of the reboot is hell but then your body shifts and resets. You eat only fruits and vegetables for a certain amount nirvana like stage where you feel amazing and fantastic. People feel 1000 times better, have more energy, become more active in their community and are happier.
That’s what I want. There’s this mental clarity that comes from the reboot. I want to cleanse my body of all this crap and not worry about triggers. If I lose weight, great, but I want the mental clarity. I remember feeling like the fog was gone when I was juicing. I just feel like everything is a trigger. I don’t want to deal with food for a couple days. The small step toward change I can do right now is to continue reading this book.
What does recovered life look like?
I wake up early and write. I feel refreshed and look forward to the day and the new adventures it holds. I enjoy warm lemon water and feel content. I work on some activities to do with the boys. When the boys wake up, I am happy and patient with them. I fix them a nutritious breakfast and we talk about the adventures we are going to have that day. I feel good. I get ready for the gym (I may even brush my hair). I spend time playing and engaging with the boys in the morning. I go to the gym and workout. I feel clear headed and motivated. I have energy to do more than just exist and get through the day. I am more involved in church and my community. I want to live a vegan, or at least vegetarian lifestyle.
Thank you Letter to My Eating Disorder Self:
Thank you for taking over when I can’t handle life. Sometimes I feel so horribly and awful and you step in and help me manage the pain and discomfort. But I don’t actually feel better. I just feel different. Usually guilty because I let my ED-self take over. My heathy-self got lazy and didn’t want to work hard.
March 18, 2015
I am a little frustrated and edgy because I didn’t get as much done this morning as I would have liked. I feel uneasy and a bit off. I don’t want to binge, but my instinct is to eat something to make this uncomfortable feeling go away. I am going to accept that this is what I am feeling right now and try to work through it.
I got some very nice one on one time with Harrison this morning (because he got up at 5 am). I want to make sure I make some time for me today. My goal is to get my writing class in and to take time to do at least one writing exercise today.
It is okay to feel anxious. I feel like I am living in a messy house but I know my house isn’t that messy. My dogs are a bit too much for me right now. Having five living beings in the house to care for is a bit much for me. I love the dogs, but I am not the best care giver for them. My boys must be the number one priority and me.
March 18, 2015 (Later)
It’s Arrow night so I am really pumped. I hope it doesn’t suck. It wasn’t moving in the direction I wanted so I hope it gets back on track. I love Olicity, they are a great pair. It’s funny, I didn’t love them at first and didn’t get the chemistry. Something was a little off. Maybe she seemed too young. But now I’m on board hook line and sinker (I think the scene where she gives Oliver the book did it. It was so vulnerable and intimate).
Today was a good day. My healthy-self had more control, and my ED-self was more dormant. I feel calm. This morning I felt a bit anxious because I didn’t accomplish all I wanted to. But I tried to relax and remind myself that I could get it done later. My healthy-self helped to calm me down.
I feel good and don’t know what else to write about my ED. I just want to be better and not lose control to the ED-self anymore. I want to be my best self and the best wife and mother I can be. I feel like I am capable of so much more but have been bogged down by my ED-self. She overtakes me in times of stress, anxiousness and uncertainty. She convinces me to hide behind my ED and use food instead of reaching out. I am very sensitive and take things personally, so I am fearful to let others in. I am afraid of getting hurt which tends to happen.
March 19, 2015
I started my online class yesterday. There are tons of people in it! I’ve never taken an online class. I signed up through St. Louis Community College so I thought I would be in a class with people from STL. Not the case, there are people from all over! Our first task was to write something on the discussion board and introduce ourselves to the group. The teacher suggested anonymity, so I went with Felicity Smoak. She’s my favorite character right now. I wish I liked Black Canary more because I’d like to identify as a superhero. I almost used Nyssa Al Ghoul because she is so cool. But didn’t because she’s a villain. Not a Malcom Merlin villain but still a LOA villain.
Back to 8 Keys:
Think of any traits that I have that get in my way or are a problem for me.
- I give up easily- I’m afraid if I don’t do something in the moment, I will never do it.
- Avoidant – I try to avoid uncomfortable thoughts, conversations, and communications.
- Obsessive- I am obsessive about cleaning my house and getting things done. I get anxious when I have stuff to do (even innocuous stuff). I am afraid if I don’t get it done immediately, it won’t get done. I spend way too much time trying to keep my house clean and no matter how clean it is it never seems good enough.
- Anxious- I think it’s the anxious feelings that are the biggest cause of for my recent ED behavior. I get so anxious and it is so uncomfortable and overwhelming. It is very easy to listen to my ED self when she says “just binge and purge, it will make it all better and make those feelings go away.” And it does. Feelings of guilt and sadness replace the anxious feelings but at least the anxious feelings are gone.
- Stubborn- I have trouble changing. I have had this ED since I can remember. Even before I had bulimia, I had disordered eating. I think this started for me when I was just a little girl. So, for almost the last 30 years I have had this messed up, distorted view of myself and food. The last 10 years have been much better because I have turned some of those negative characteristics into positives. There have also been times in my life where my humbleness to work hard and start at the beginning allowed me to work for and reach a goal. I could probably count those on one hand.
- A Midsummer Night’s Dream in LA
- Law School
- KS bar exam
- Job at the Douglas Co Prosecutor’s office,
- Impulsive- I tend to dive in headfirst because I think it is going to fix everything. It will make me happy and bring me the mental clarity and emotional wellbeing I seek. I tend to be impulsive because I feel like if I don’t do it then and there it won’t ever happen. This can also make me adventurous which is a trait I would really like to see come out of me more.
- Rule follower- For example, with this book, I feel like I have to do every exercise in a row or I have failed. Even though Carolyn said that you don’t have to do all of the exercises and you can do them in any order.
Making my traits positive:
- I give up easy-I am not afraid to let go of things that aren’t working.
- Avoidant- I am cautious
- Impulsive – Adventurous; I want to be more adventurous for my boys. I want them to grow up having experiences rather than sitting in front of the tv. That is what I remember from my childhood. TV. Everything was about getting back home to watch TV and eat. I want the boys and I to get out and experience life.
- Rule follower- I listen and try to do things correctly.
- Stubborn – Dedicated.
- Anxious- Attentive
How is your relationship to food like your relationship to people?
This is interesting. I don’t have a ton of friends and most of them live far away from me. I am cautious when I meet new people and I don’t easily let them in. I am friendly but I don’t get too close. Steve is obviously the exception. My conversation with Katie the other day was telling. She called and I did not want to talk but I answered the phone because I want to be a better friend. We talked and I wasn’t my typical happy self. I was fine but there was more of an edge. I am always afraid people are going to see who I really am and not like me.
I’ve been hurt deeply by friends in the past and now I keep my distance. My BFFs all tend to leave as well so I guess I’ve put up a bit of a wall. I guess I am kind of that way with food as well because there is always a bit of a nagging feeling when I am eating “Is this going to be a trigger?” “Are you going to hurt me?” I don’t usually put myself out there or I come on way too strong. I don’t presently have a group of girlfriends. I guess I only need one. It’s funny because I’ve never had a long-term core group of friends. Something always happens. Either we break up and things end badly, or someone moves away. Except Steve, Steve is the very best best friend I have ever had (how lucky that I got to marry him ;-)).
***This post is part of blog series called Revealing My Road to Recovered. For more information about the series please click here: Revealing My Road to Recovered
One Comment
Pingback: