Feminist Awakening and Letting People In
I first heard the term “Feminist Awakening” listening to Christy Harrison’s podcast Food Psych (Food Psych #122: How Anger Can Help in Diet Recovery and Body Acceptance with Carmen Cool — Christy Harrison – Intuitive Eating Dietitian, Anti-Diet Author, & Certified Eating Disorders Specialist I also highly recommend Roxane Gay’s Bad Feminist.) Christy spoke with Carmen Cool about how anger can help in diet recovery. Ms. Cool mentioned she experienced a “feminist awakening” as she went through recovery. Her words resonated immediately as I recognized my own experience.
Through the end of August, I continued working through and expressing my feelings on misogyny, racism and gun violence. Significantly, I started reaching out and sharing my thoughts with friends. Specifically, my friends, Kathrine and Katie (not their real names). Two women I knew and felt a connection with. I shared thoughts with them I had kept hidden inside for fear of being shamed and diminished.
I also started reaching out to a wonderful woman I met in my 8 Keys to Recovery From an Eating Disorder support group. Here I call her Sandy, although that is not her real name. She was my first real recovery friend. The profound impact of her friendship reverberates in my life today.
August 16, 2015
Society tells us that to be seen, we must be sexually attractive to men and women. If we are not considered by society to be sexually attractive, then we are not seen or should not be seen.
I want to feel sexy but not be sexualized. As women we have been taught that we are responsible for a man’s physical reaction to our sexuality. If we arise certain feelings in him, we are conditioned to believe we “owe” it to him to aid him in satisfying those feelings, regardless of whether we were trying to make him feel that way or not.
Because of this miseducation, we often view our sexuality as our only power. The fallacy that a woman’s value is rooted in her ability to be an aesthetically pleasing, and silent, object has been passed down through generation after generation.
August 18, 2015
I realized last night on the drive home that I don’t write as much as I would like to because I takes a lot of work to tap into those feelings.
Group was good last night. We focused on the last chapter of 8 Keys which was incredibly powerful. It was about finding meaning and purpose outside of your eating disorder. I have come to realize that my eating disorder was just a distraction to keep me from actually living my life. Living your life and putting yourself out there involves taking chances, failing, getting back up, and exposing vulnerabilities. This is not easy and can be downright scary, but the last chapter talked about tools you can use to help live a more soulful life (as opposed to an ego driven life).
August 19, 2015 (Unsent email to Sandy)
Hey Sandy:
I’m feeling anxious this morning so I thought I would write an email and see if that helps relieve some of my anxiety. I’m not entirely sure what is causing my heightened level of anxiety today. I feel a bit of a tickle in my sinuses so I am worried about getting sick. Both boys have been sick and my mom is sick. I really don’t want to get sick because I don’t like feeling like I’m not at 100%. Not that I am at 100% everyday, but I try to stay in the 80% – 100% range most days. Most days I feel like I start the day strong and then end up at about 50% by bedtime. But if I do get sick I suppose that is okay, I just have to accept it and move on.
I feel a real disconnect between my husband and I. Steve was out late last night for a happy hour and then will be out of town for two and a half days this week. Maybe that is part of it. I do not feel grounded. I felt so grounded after therapy on Sunday and group on Monday, but then I really didn’t feel grounded at home with Steve. Steve seemed to be somewhat passive aggressive and nit-picky with me. I just let it go but it has left a bit of a disconnect between us.
When I don’t feel grounded in my other relationships it is really noticeable. Last week I felt really grounded with Steve and with group so not feeling grounded with my friends didn’t matter as much. I feel like my wires are flapping in the wind looking for something to hold onto.
This morning I did the Inner Guidance writing assignment from the book, and I had trouble focusing on what I wanted to try or something I wanted to change. Actually, now that I think about it, I was trying to think much bigger. Instead of something I wanted to try, I thought of what would my dream job be, which isn’t the same thing it’s barely even in the same ballpark. Thinking of something I want to try is small. Like maybe reading more. Or more specifically, I want to try reading a book on how to write a screenplay. That is small and manageable and may help me with my desire to write a screenplay. I went so big with my dream that it was almost too much to handle and wrap my brain around.
August 20, 2015
Yesterday was interesting. I felt anxious and was a bit on edge with Steve for most of the day. I find that if I go a week or so without emotionally connecting with him my relationship tentacles (I need to think of a better way to describe this) feel like they are flapping in the wind. We had a long talk about Black Lives Matter. It is so important to me that he understand why I feel the way I do and support the movement.
August 21, 2015
I may continue writing Sandy when I start feeling anxious. Sitting down and writing an email felt good and it did help me with my anxiety that day.
There is the is scene in Pump Up the Volume, starring Christian Slater, where he has done something exhausting and heroic on the air waves. When he is done, he just crashes in his chair. Sheer exhaustion from a job well done. His arms and legs flail from the chair and he lays his head back. It’s such a cool moment. Slater nailed it. He looked hot but that didn’t matter because he had just done something that was more important than his looks.
I think I was in high school at the time, and I remember wondering why woman never got to look that cool without being vulnerable. He didn’t look cool because he was hot. He looked cool because he had just done something epic.
August 21, 2015 (Email to Kathrine and Katie)
Hey Ladies:
Below is what I wrote to my Dad last Wednesday (we email daily). As a bit of context, I am in an eating disorder support group on Monday nights and we focus on a book called, 8 Keys to Recovery from an Eating Disorder. I have had an eating disorder since I was a child. And now, at age 39, I am the farthest (or it is furthest?)I have ever been in recovery. I don’t feel comfortable saying I am “recovered” yet but I know I’ll get there.
Anyway, thank you for letting me share.
“Group was really good last night. We focused on the last chapter of the book which was really powerful. It was about finding meaning and purpose outside of your eating disorder. I have come to realize that my eating disorder was just a distraction to keep me from actually living my life. Living your life and putting yourself out there involves taking chances, failing, getting back up, and exposing vulnerabilities. This is not easy and can be down right scary but the last chapter talked about tools you can use to help live a more soulful life (as opposed to an ego driven life).
Six months ago, I would have dismissed this soulful vs. ego stuff as a bunch of new age mumbo jumbo, but at this point in my recovery I am able to understand and see the value in focusing on who I am as a person (soulful) rather than what my body looks like (ego). For most of my life I thought what I looked like mattered more than who I was as a person. Or rather, I thought my looks defined who I was as a person. More specifically, I let what I thought other people thought of my looks be the barometer for what I thought about myself. For centuries society has told women that their value and power are in their physical appearance. It has taken me almost forty years to decode this message and call bullshit. Some woman escape or miss this trap but, unfortunately, most do not. So I am forging a path out of this ego driven quagmire and finding my own happiness and purpose.”
Love you guys!
Ali
August 22, 2015 (Email to Kathrine)
Dear Kathrine:
Thank you so much for your candor and kindness. Reading your email was a soulful moment for me. At this point in my life (and recovery), I find that I am drawn to issues of social justice that effect the world our children grow up in. Feminism and Black Lives Matter (BLM), in particular, have awoken a passion in me that I cannot ignore. When we talked about the BLM movement on our girls’ trip last month, you were just as outraged as I was, and my instinct was to cry and hug you because I have felt so alone amongst my peers on this issue. That conversation meant so much to me.
Patriarchy infuriates me to my core and, in retrospect, I can see how this idiotic ideology contributed to my decades long eating disorder. In Miss Representation, Katie Couric said “If women spend a tenth of the time thinking about how to solve the world’s problems as they think about their weight…we could solve them in a matter of months.” This resonated with me because I have allowed a number on a scale and a negative body image rule my life for over 35 years. I made a giant leap in recovery in my early twenties which was the only reason I was able to go to law school, pass a couple bar exams, become a trial attorney, fall in love, marry and become a mom. During that time, I still had a raging eating disorder but instead of it taking up 98% of my life, it only took up 60%. Currently, my eating disorder registers at maybe 5% (I still have trouble with body checking (i.e. pants feel tight so I feel bad, or I look in the mirror and feel bad)).
Though I do not consider myself fully recovered, I am significantly less encumbered by my eating disorder. Consequently, I want to do something that matters. I want to talk about things that matter. I want Black lives to matter…to everyone. I want this ridiculously patriarchal society we live in to find some balance. And I want to do something about it! I am not entirely sure what, but I want to try to make a difference.
Sorry if I got a bit ramble-y. I am so lucky to have you and Katie in my life!
Ali
August 22, 2015
Yesterday was a wonderful family day. The moment that stuck out the most to me was signing in the car with the boys on the way home from the ice cream shop. A soulful moment indeed. The boys were signing Wheels on the Bus, so Steve and I joined in. Moments like that are so wonderful and so terrifying. Wonderful because my heart is so full of love it may burst, and terrifying because I never want to lose it.
I spent quite a bit of time on my email to Kathrine yesterday and it felt good to write it. The only part I am regretting a bit is my apologizing at the end for rambling. Somewhere along the line I was told I should apologize for talking or thinking too much because there is no reason anyone wants to listen to me.
August 24, 2015
I find myself worrying about my loved ones more the heathier I get. That anxiety just continues to creep in anyway it can. Last night on the way home from Sunday Dinner I wrote:
Unencumbered by an eating disorder, I feel love so acutely that I am terrified of losing it.
How do you enjoy a soulful moment without simultaneously fearing that you’ll lose the very thing that created the soulful moment?
The more present I am in the moment the more soulful moments happen. Especially with my boys. Lately I have felt so much joy that my heart feels like it could burst. The odd thing is that there is this sadness that creeps in with it because I am so scared to lose them. I know they are constantly changing and growing which is such a wonder to watch. No matter what I end up doing with my life, those boys will always be the best thing I ever did.
August 24, 2015
Yesterday was exhausting and disappointing. Group was disappointing. I wanted to talk more about the book, and we really didn’t talk about the book at all. I know why we did what we did, because no one else read the book. Now I understand what other people may have felt like when I didn’t do my homework. It sucks when you are prepared and no one else is.
I ate last night when I got home from group. Part of it was hunger and I think part of it was comfort eating after an unsatisfying group. We had to write nice things about each other, and I am not good at describing people on the spot. I like to have time to think about it so I can be honest. When I have to do it on the spot I have trouble finding the words I want to use.
I overate a bit this afternoon. I am tired from Golds Fit and it’s been a bit of a raw day reaching out to Sandy and second guessing myself. I also want to write a testimonial for Liz’s group. And provide her some feedback. I have been trying to write a review for the last 20 minutes and my mind is blank.
I want to express that the group has had a huge impact on my life. I am learning to be comfortable with my feelings. Because of the safe environment created by the group, I’ve been able to explore my feelings and the root causes of my eating disorder. 8 Keys to Recovery From an Eating Disorder provided valuable information and the tools to work through eating disorder recovery and the group provided a safe environment to process the information and begin applying those tools. Through the group I have gained the confidence to reach out to friends instead of my eating disorder behaviors.
August 25, 2015 (Email to Sandy)
Dear Sandy:
Thank you so much for your email. I really appreciate your honesty and feel honored that you trusted us with the truth. It can be so hard to reach out when we’re having trouble. Last week, I was having a really tough day and no matter what I did, I couldn’t shake the anxiety. Finally, I sat down and started writing you an email. Writing to you and expressing all the muddled things in my head made me feel much better and helped to dissipate the anxiety. I never sent you the email because I didn’t want to bother you. I am also insecure and a little embarrassed by all the things that go through my head sometimes. I wish I had sent you the email. Not because I said anything of consequence in the email, but I wish I would have told you how you helped me get through a tough moment.
Honestly, last night’s group was a little disappointing. I left feeling anxious and insecure. I didn’t feel the connection that I usually feel. I enjoy talking to each other and relating our experiences and we didn’t do much of that last night. Your email this morning, on the other hand, was meaningful and soulful because of your honesty.
I am so happy you are feeling better today. Today is new and it looks to be a beautiful day! I look forward to seeing you next week (and there is a strong chance that I will press send the next time I email you when I’m having a hard time. Please feel free to do the same with me).
Ali
August 25, 2015 (Email to Sandy)
Sandy:
I would love to get together sometime and talk or go for walk. At this point in my recovery, I am really trying to reach out and turn to people rather than my eating disorder behaviors. Reaching out is a bit unnerving because it is so unfamiliar.
Now that I am not using my (ED) behaviors as much I have all of these FEELINGS!! Navigating through them all is a daunting task, so it really helps to be able to write through what is going on in my head and heart. Talking helps too. It feels like such a mess in my head, and it can get even messier when I try to get it out via talking or writing. Despite the messiness, I usually feel better after I’ve made the effort to express myself.
Ali
August 27, 2015
Yesterday wasn’t my best day. I tuned out about midday and got lost in social media. I have noticed that sometimes I do that instead of using food. Sometimes I just really need to escape. Social media doesn’t help reduce my anxiety. If anything, social media increases it because the news is HORRIBLE. Mass shootings are everywhere but nothing is ever done about gun control. Now perpetrators are using social media to document their horrific crimes which I feel is further desensitizing our country. I want to live somewhere where there are no guns.
Gun enthusiasts think if they have a gun, they will be able to protect themselves, but most of these shootings come out of nowhere. I do not understand what is happening to our country. It is a complete mess. Why do there have to be so many guns? Mass shootings are happening more and more often, and it is terrifying. More guns = more problems. And yes, more shootings today.
August 28, 2015
Katie has been calling me most mornings on her way to work. We may be setting up a habit and I like it. It’s nice to talk to a friend in the morning. It does infringe upon my early morning writing time, but it is a way to connect, and it brings us closer.
Today I am meeting Sandy at Longview Farms to walk. I am a bit nervous because it is new. Sandy sent me a sweet email yesterday saying that she was looking forward to our walk. I am too. I am looking forward to building our friendship. We can really relate to each other because of our eating issues and we both have a strong commitment to recovery.
I have been nervous and feeling bad lately. I should probably go back and track my period to see if this is my cycle.
August 31, 2015 (Email to Katherine)
Morning Sunshine:
I saw an interesting Tedx talk the other day. The premise was that the opposite of addiction isn’t sobriety. The opposite of addiction is human connection. Johann Hari talked about how as humans we have an innate need to connect with other humans and when we can’t, because of trauma, insecurities, bullying, etc we look for connection substitutes like drugs, alcohol, and eating disorders.
He also talked about screen addition (gulp!) and how people are focusing more and more on their screens and less and less on their human connections. It was a super interesting talk and I have been thinking about it a lot since I saw the video. How could we teach human connection and promote it in schools so kids don’t turn to addiction in the first place? How might promoting human connection effect bullying? I am going to check out Hari’s book and see if I can find out more info.
Have a wonderful Monday my dear friend!
Ali
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