Telling My Loved Ones
On March 16, I realized I had a problem and needed help. The next day I told Steve. I knew he’d be supportive, but I still felt nervous to tell him. He knew I’d had an eating disorder, he didn’t know I was still living with it. Telling him I was sick meant I had to do something about it and I had no idea what to do. I was afraid of letting him down.
I felt better after I told Steve, like a weight had been lifted. He said he loved me would support anything I needed. I told him I didn’t quite know what I needed yet but it might get expensive (we were on a tight budget) and he said, “Do whatever it takes.” He didn’t know what to do or how to help me. He trusted that I would figure it out and tell him what I needed.
He never judged, blamed or micromanaged me. He never made me feel like I was too much or a burden. He listened when I told him what I needed. He helped make our home a safe space. A place where I didn’t have to worry about diet culture, fatphobia or saying or doing the wrong thing.
He believed me. He listened to me. He trusted me.
Trust can be easy to give when it hasn’t been broken, repeatedly.
Telling my Mom and Dad that I was still suffering with bulimia was more difficult. I carried a lot of shame and guilt because of the many, many times they trusted me to work through recovery, only to have the eating disorder break that trust. There was a lot of hurt there for all of us.
I told my Mom on March 19. It was a messy, painful and healing conversation that I journaled about the next day. I’m not sharing the entry in it’s entirety because it’s between my Mom and I. Telling my Dad was a little easier because I did it via email where I was able to carefully craft what I needed to say. My Dad and I have a lot of our heart to hearts via email. Dad started emailing me everyday almost twenty years ago. Even though my responses can be infrequent, he continues to put an email in my inbox everyday. His emails mean so much to me and have taught me so much about how to show up for someone you love.
Opening up to my Mom and Dad, and being honest about my recovery helped release some of the shame I’d been carrying. It didn’t happen all at once, but as I continued to progress through recovery the barrier erected by shame came down. It wasn’t always sunshine and rainbows, there were more messy and painful conversations, miscommunications and hurt feelings, but there was also healing. And love. So much love.
March 20, 2015
Yesterday I told my mom I am still recovering from my eating disorder. For as long as I can remember my mom has always said she is too old for stuff. I don’t want to do that.
I didn’t read much of 8 Keys this morning. I spent the time writing an email to Dad. I was ashamed to tell him that I am still in recovery, but I needed to do it. I want to spend some time reading the book today. I also have another lesson in my writing class to do. I should be able to make time today at some point.
I am going to do yoga with Jackie today. This might work out well. Yoga can be a very good thing for those recovering from EDs. I will remember to take one day at a time. Today is going to be a good day. I will continue to put one foot in front of the other.
March 20, 2015 (Email to Dad)
Morning Dad:
I thought I would write because I am sure Mom told you that I am still working on my eating disorder recovery. For the last several years I convinced myself that I was recovered, despite relapsing 5 to 10 times a year. My eating disorder looks dramatically different now than it did 15 years ago so it wasn’t difficult to justify my ED behaviors to myself (i.e. I only do it once or twice at a time and I get it back under control in a day or two). These days my eating disorder pops up when I am dealing with stress, depression and anxiousness. Sometimes I am able to fight off the urge to use my ED, sometimes I can’t. I get to a place where I feel so horrible, like I am going to explode, and I just want those feelings to go away. While I know the ED behavior won’t make me feel better, it will diffuse those feelings. I usually feel sadness and regret after my ED behavior but I don’t feel like I’m going to explode anymore. I recognize that this is not a healthy way to live my life so I am taking steps to finish the recovery process I started 15 years ago.
One of the steps on the path to recovery is to reach out for support. I know that you, Mom and Steve have been here for me for the last several years, but I have been too embarrassed and ashamed to tell you that I am still in recovery. As my Mom and Dad, I know your instinct is to fix me and try to take the pain away (as a parent I get that now). I have to do most of this work myself, but I do need your support. I need you to love me and be open to listening and talking with me about my recovery process. If you have questions, please feel free to ask.
I am using a book to help guide me through my recovery process. It is called 8 Keys to Recovery from an Eating Disorder by Carolyn Costin and Gwen Schubert Grabb. I feel like the book was written for me. Please feel free to read parts of the book or skim through it. The book talks about the 10 stages of recovery and, as I told Mom, for the last several years I have hovered between steps 6 and 8. I am encouraged and proud that I am over halfway through the recovery process (it wasn’t easy to get here), I just stopped my recovery process too early. The book talks about the three things recovered patients have in common: journaling, reaching out for support and not getting on a scale. Those are three things I haven’t been doing and am making an effort to do now.
I love you very, very much. Thank you for being my Dad.
Ali
***This post is part of blog series called Revealing My Road to Recovered. For more information about the series please click here: Revealing My Road to Recovered
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