Doing the Work
Trigger Warning: Internalized fatphobia and weight bias, talk of eating disorder thoughts and behaviors.
In the early stages of recovery, doing the work felt like planting seeds in a garden. You buy the seeds, dig a hole(s), lay the seeds, cover them, and water them.
For awhile it looks like nothing is happening.
Not knowing is profoundly uncomfortable. Is the seed going to sprout? Did I plant it right? Should I have used more compost? Does it need more water? Am I watering it too much?!? Does it need more sun? Is it getting too much sun??
The stress of waiting for a tangible sign of progress in recovery felt overwhelming and insurmountable. But rather than focus on the stress, I focused on the work. Specifically, writing regularly.
Writing regularly helped me step into and move through recovery. Writing regularly is different than writing every now and then. Prior to 2015, I journaled every now and then, but never regularly.
In 2015, I started writing regularly. I wrote even when an impulse told me not to. The eating disorder (ED) drove that impulse. To write regularly, I had to challenge the ED. At the time I didn’t know it was the ED, I thought it was me. The ED had been in control for so long I couldn’t tell where it ended and Ali began.
The ED told me writing wasn’t working. My journal entries supported the ED’s argument. I wrote and still relapsed. The ED said, “See, it’s not working! Journaling may work for some people but not you! You’ve been writing and you still binged and purged!”
In the past I listened to the ED and stopped journaling. To get back “in control,” I’d restrict my food and work out obsessively. I’d relapse within in a month. I’d been stuck in this cycle for years.
If I wanted to break this cycle, I had to stop doing the same thing I’d always done. So I pushed back against the impulse and continued to write in my journal. In some moments it helped. In others it didn’t. But I kept going. 8 Keys to Recovery From an Eating Disorder , helped me stay focused on the moment and take my next step. I couldn’t think too far ahead, all I could do was do the next right thing.
March 22, 2015
I felt anxious this morning. I’m not entirely sure why. The boys slept in which is rare. The last two days have been good. I feel like my healthy-self has been in more control. Yesterday my ED-self snuck in when I had those Lara bars, and I ate more than I needed to. I threw them out. We also had pizza last night. I am pretty sure I ate more than I needed to there as well, but I didn’t feel the urge to purge.
I didn’t want to go lay down, even though I was super tired. I kept moving, I’m not sure if I did it to burn calories or stay engaged so I wouldn’t feel guilty about eating so much pizza. I am afraid of gaining weight. I am already so heavy. Part of me thinks my “normal weight” must be less than what I am now.
For the last several years I used food to fill up the emptiness I felt and most of the time I didn’t purge. I am hoping that by not using food to fill up, my body will find its natural weight and will be thinner than it is now. I suppose I may have to come to terms with the fact that this, or even heavier, might be my natural body size.
I need to work on accepting me where I am right now and embracing who that is. That might be tricky. My whole life I have always been under the impression that my life would be better, I would be happier, if I was thinner. I have lived under the misconception that I would have more zest for life if I was thinner. My life would be perfect if I looked good in a bikini.
The funny thing is, I was thin. In my late teens I was very thin, and I wasn’t happy. I was dangerously sick. Despite knowing this, I have lived my life thinking, “When I’m thinner, I’ll be liked more.” I do it with everyone I meet, I do it at the gym, I did it at work. I do it constantly. My belief that confidence is rooted in thinness is deeply seeded.
I need to set new daily goals for myself. To listen to my healthy-self more than my ED-self. My hope is that will be more freeing. Friday was a good healthy-self day. My healthy self was present, and I felt happy and confident. I didn’t worry about feeling fat or ugly, I just felt good. I ate until I wasn’t hungry and didn’t overly stuff myself to fill any emptiness. I didn’t feel empty. I felt full.
I don’t feel empty today, just a bit anxious. The realization that my natural body weight might be where I am now or even heavier was not my favorite realization. But would it really be the worst thing ever if I was chubby? Would my kids love me less? Would Steve? I don’t think so…. The most important people in my life are Steve and the boys and I feel like they love me as I am.
March 22, 2015 (Assignment for writing class)
Four Things in My Room
The Boys’ Voices: Harrison’s laughter and babble make me smile and instantly put me at ease. When Wyatt talks he usually wants me to do something for him and it makes me cringe. I love him so much but sometimes I need a break. His consistent requests make me tense up. Whereas his laughs and happy interactions have a calming effect on me. The voices are sweet, and I remember wishing they could talk when they were smaller. I try to relax while I am in here writing, but having the boys so close by keeps me on my toes.
Grandma’s Dishes: I am not sure how many place settings I have but I’m guessing at least 8. The dishes are a lot smaller than modern dishes. They are feminine and simple. They aren’t just circular; they have a unique shape to them. I don’t know how to describe them. Kind of like a square with curved and embellished corners. I just love them. Classic. I don’t remember my Grandma using them but I’m sure she did. Probably for company. I don’t think she would use such nice plates for us kids. I am really curious where they are from. I hope they are from Norway because it’s another connection to my Norwegian heritage.
Grandma’s Hutch: It’s dark brown and a little big for the room. I have no place else to put it and I won’t get rid of it. Some things of Grandma’s I sold or donated. It was hard to donate Grandma’s silver, but we needed the money to buy furniture for Harrison’s bedroom. We got almost $800 for it. I probably would never use her silver. I kept a few pieces because I couldn’t bear to get rid of everything.
Entertaining was important to Grandma and she was so good at it. I’ll never forget the time she got up at 6 am to make coffee cake for a visit with Steve and I. I miss her. I will never forget being with her as she passed away. There are parts of it that were wonderful and parts that make me mad. Actually, the only part that makes me mad is the nurse who came in and gave her morphine when Grandma was clearly passing. But maybe it helped. I don’t know. To me it seemed like Grandma had made the decision to let go and she was going. So to then have the nurse barge in seemed unnecessary. I’ll never forget when Grandma opened her eyes that morning. God, I know she was there, and she saw me. I felt such a connection. Her eyes locked onto mine. Her eyes told me to stay with her as she wrestled with letting go. She looked scared, then reassured. She was so brave.
Dining Room Table: This is a huge table. To the left is my iPad, where I read the lessons for this class. To the right is a coffee cup. Only a sip or two left and the coffee is cold. I’ll still finish it. Next to the coffee cup is a notepad and pen. A case of Smart Water is just beyond my screen. A child’s bright orange construction helmet is next to the water. A Curious George book is just beyond the hat. The Smart Water is a vestige of my ED. Or at least I think it was my ED self. I planned to drink Smart Water with lemon in the morning as a way to start the day. Now that I’m working on my ED recovery I’m not entirely sure which self (ED or healthy) bought the water. The table is where I recommitted to my ED recovery. I feel a sense of hope sitting in this spot.
March 23, 2015
I am doing well. Yesterday was a good day. My healthy-self felt strong. My ED-self popped up a couple times, but my healthy self was able to keep her in check. Had dinner with Dad which was fun. He’s quiet around the boys and I, sometimes I’m not sure what to say. I can tell he enjoys being with us. This morning when I woke up, I started thinking about Grandma Lee so I jotted some ideas down. It just dawned on me that we recently passed the one-year anniversary of her death.
I also woke up wanting to do the writing exercise that focuses on identifying the real issues of my ED. Here are the issues I think apply to me:
- Poor Self-Esteem: (I’m not worthy, people don’t like me, I’m ugly, I can’t trust my own judgments or make my own decisions, people will like me more when I’m thin).
- Need for Distraction (when bingeing and purging I don’t think of anything else, distraction from thoughts and feelings)
- FILL UP EMPTINESS: (Something is missing so I fill it with my ED, I feel empty inside so overeating and bingeing takes that feeling away temporarily. EATING FILLS UP MY EMPTINESS), All my ED rituals help me fill up a void in my life – This directly applies to how I feel when I eat food. For the last 5 to 7 years I have done this on a daily basis.
- Belief in a Myth: (I will be happy and successful if I am thin, thinner people are happier, I have to be thin to be attractive and desirable. Losing weight will solve my problems)
- Drive for Perfection: (I am either fat or thin, I am either perfect or a failure, if I can’t be the best, I won’t try). I never would have thought this described me, but I think, to an extent, it does. When I do something and put effort into it, I want and expect it to be the best. If I know it is not going to be the best, I don’t put much, or any, effort to it.
- The desire to be special/unique: (I don’t know who I would be without my eating disorder). When I first started bingeing and purging, I felt special. For the first time in my life, I felt important in the world. I felt like I was better than everyone else. That feeling lasted about a week.
- Need to be in control: (My ED helps me feel in control of my “out of control-ness.” My ED behaviors keep my feelings under control. My ED is the one thing no one has control over but me.)
- Wants respect and admiration: (I think that when I lose weight, I will get respect and admiration from others- although when I do it typically leads me to sabotage myself)
- Has a hard time expressing feelings: (I don’t know how to express my anger, so I binge and purge. Before I binge and purge I feel anxious and angry and after I feel guilt and sadness, but the anxiousness and anger are gone. I CANNOT DEAL with CONFLICT or CONFRONTATION so I resort to my eating disorder – overeating and/or bingeing and purging. I cannot handle stress)
- Need for “Safe place to go”/ Lack of coping skills: (My eating disorder helps me get taken care of without asking for help. My ED has helped me avoid taking on adult responsibilities.)
- Lack of trust in self and others: (I don’t trust people, so I isolate from them with my ED.) I don’t trust anyone; I use my eating disorder as a best friend. I have trouble making decisions; bingeing and purging provides procrastination. It is easier to follow my ED rules than to trust myself or anyone else.
- Terrified of not measuring up: (I know I can’t compete, so I let my ED take me out of the running. I constantly compare myself to others. I am terrified of being fat.
Ummmm… Wow. I didn’t realize so many of these applied to me, but I identified with almost every issue. As I work through these, I will try to think of other issues that apply to me.
March 24, 2015
Last night was tough. I was tired because I stayed up late the night before watching Bloodline. I wanted food. I’m not sure if it was my healthy self or my ED self. I felt empty or like I was missing something, and I wanted to fill it with food. I chose to eat two oranges instead. I obsessed a little about what I ate. My ED-self still has concerns that my natural body weight might be heavier than it is now.
Wyatt asked me to snuggle with him for 5 minutes and I said no at first. I wanted to finish an episode of Bloodline that I was in the middle of. I felt awful about it but did it anyway. After the episode was over, I went in and cuddled with him. It was lovely. He wanted to talk, and he made eye contact with me throughout our entire talk. It was wonderful.
Okay, back to the real issues:
- Poor Self-Esteem: (I’m not worthy, people don’t like me, I’m ugly, I can’t trust my own judgments or make my own decisions, people will like me more when I’m thin).
- I’ve had poor self-esteem since I can remember. I cannot think of a time when I didn’t have self-esteem issues. I’m not sure what a healthy self-esteem looks like. My guess is that Steve is the healthiest person I know. I don’t want my boys to grow up with self-esteem issues. I don’t want them to have an inflated self-esteem either, I just want them to have a healthy self-esteem.
- I have some great ideas, but I never think that I have the ability to follow through.
- I use my ED behaviors to deal with my self-esteem issues as a comfort. The food comforts me when I feel bad. While I am eating, I feel more whole. The food takes away my insecure feelings while I am eating. They then come back after I finish eating and I feel guilty and like a failure
- The ED behaviors perpetuate the issues because even though I feel better when I’m eating, as soon as I stop eating I feel guilty and like a failure for letting food get the best of me again.
- Need for distraction (when binging and purging I don’t think of anything else, distraction from thoughts and feelings)
- This is my default. When I have nothing to do or a million things to do, ED behaviors give me an outlet.
- Lately the bingeing and purging pops up when I can’t deal with stress and/or depression. However, my overeating and use of food to cope pops up much more often. Even daily. Yesterday and last night I kept wanting to resort to food. Food is my default. I was tired and anxious and looking for a fix. I know that food is only a temporary fix, a momentary one at that, but I’ve done it for so long that it’s hard to give it up.
- FILL UP EMPTINESS: (Something is missing so I fill it with my ED, I feel empty inside so overeating and bingeing takes that feeling away temporarily. EATING FILLS UP MY EMPTINESS), All my ED rituals help me fill up a void in my life – This directly applies to how I feel when I eat food. In the last 5 to 7 years I have done this on a daily basis.
I feel a little out of control and anxious today. Not quite comfortable. I’m not sure why. I don’t love having someone else in my house, but my MIL is helpful and wonderful with the boys. I need to stop being such an asshole.
A theme that keeps popping up today is working hard. Working hard at my passion is what I am striving for. I want to be my best self and I think that is the way to do it. My kids are clearly my priority right now, but I think it is also important to have something else that drives me. I want to be a good role model for them. I want them to see me doing something I love and working hard and want to do it too. I just need to figure out what my dream is.
I may be a bit bored today. That may be the cause of some of my restlessness. I don’t feel ready to write a story yet so I guess maybe I’m stalling. I have an overwhelming desire to go take a nap.
***This post is part of blog series called Revealing My Road to Recovered. For more information about the series please click here: Revealing My Road to Recovered
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