Recovery Isn’t Linear
This is admittedly an odd title as I am literally presenting my recovery in a linear fashion, via my daily journal.
While the dates in my journal are linear, the content of my journal entries is not. Never more so than in my April 18, 2015 through May 31, 2015 entries.
During this time, and through the following journal entries and emails, I realized I’d been over exercising to compensate for nonrestrictive eating (swapping ED behaviors). I experienced a purging relapse. I also started reaching out to people instead of the eating disorder and sharing my thoughts and opinions (finding and using my voice). Oh, and there was the time a woman stalked and harassed me at Home Depot because she thought I stole her bracelet.
April 18, 2015
It’s been a good week. Mom took Wyatt out for French fries and ice cream and then to Myseum for some fun. It was a big deal for her to do that and I am so proud of her for making the effort. They may do it again this week. She even offered to watch the boys while I go grocery shopping.
My eating has been pretty good this week. I ate a little much a few times but nothing too crazy. I’m just trying to eat consciously. It’s a process. I haven’t gotten my period yet so my insane pms could hit this week.
Anyhoo, I had a good session with Liz today. I was all over the map. I started talking about the sermon from church today and how Jesus absolves us of our past so we can venture into our future without fear and hesitation. That led us to talk about stuff I’m not so proud of.
It’s so funny because now that I think of it, my bad things aren’t too bad. I am a good person. I want to stop holding myself back and get my butt in order! I want to write and get some stories on paper. I have fun ideas and have no idea how they will translate onto the paper. But I have to try. I’ve been feeling so antsy lately because I feel like I should make more productive use of my time in the evening.
April 19, 2015
My house smells like dog piss. It is horrible and the humidity and warm weather are not helping. As I sit here in the dining room, I can smell it in the rug. Dogs. The annoying part is that I have no idea where on the rug they peed because of the colors. It’s aggravating my allergies.
Today is going to be a great day (despite my current obsessing about the pee in my house.) I am going to start writing. I am going to do some ED work and get my office in order. Despite having an office area, I will probably still write up here in the dining room because it is so convenient.
I feel good today. I did well and didn’t restrict this week or obsessively overeat. I am really working on eating when I am hungry. I even planned out our meals for the week. I am also a huge fan of going to the grocery store once a week. Okay, I gotta clean this rug.
April 24, 2015
I’ve had a cold since Wednesday afternoon. Yesterday was awful. Mostly because I could not sleep at all the night before. Today has been better because it has moved out of my sinuses. The bad part is I think it is in my chest. My nose is still runny, and I’m coughing. I also have a low-grade fever.
April 26, 2015
Food Rules:
- To be attractive I must be thin
- I have thought this since I was a little kid. It is based on perceived facts and fears.
- Society tells us women must be thin to be beautiful
- When I fantasize about a movie idea there is a voice that says I am not pretty or thin enough to be the star of my own fantasy.
- It inhibits relationships because I don’t feel like I am pretty enough to be important to anyone.
- My best self is thin.
- Losing weight is good, gaining weight is bad.
- People will like me better when I am thin.
- I will be respected more when I am thin
- I will enjoy life more when I am thin
- I can’t wear cute clothes until I am thin
- It is a waste of time to put myself together until I am thin
- Thou shall earn all food and shall not eat without feeling guilty
- What the scale says is the most important thing
- I can’t trust what other people say about my weight.
- Being thin is a sign of true willpower and success
- I will stay away from carbs in the morning
- I must stay away from trigger foods
- I can’t be confident until I am thinner
- I can’t follow my dreams until I am thinner
- I must stay away from the kitchen after dinner.
- This is very limiting because I just go upstairs and veg out and watch tv and play on my phone and Ipad. I could write or work on class assignments.
- I am so scared to work hard at something because I could fail or just not be good enough. People could make fun of me.
- I don’t want to put myself out there out of fear of being too exposed.
- Carbs are bad. I must not eat any or just a few carbs.
- Dairy is bad.
- Food scares me because when I am with it, I feel like I could start bingeing at any moment.
What would you like to do with food that you currently can’t do?
- I would like to eat something without feeling like I am sabotaging myself.
Describe what you think a healthy relationship with food looks like. How would you like your relationship with food to look if you did not have to worry about your weight?
- Eat a variety of foods and stop when I am full.
May 3, 2015 (Handwritten journal)
Things have been going well. The hope and desire to lose weight creeps in more than I would like but I don’t find myself restricting. Nor do I find myself overeating too much. I still am not fond of my belly fat. There is still quite a bit there. Despite the belly, I am trying harder to dress so I feel good about myself.
I am certainly feeling more balanced and centered.
I haven’t worked out in the last couple weeks. Only once a week. It might be a good time to evaluate whether my ED self might be using exercise as another way to control my weight and shrink my belly, etc.
I often feel better when I’ve worked out. I’m not entirely sure if…well I think I somewhat deem it as a good or bad day if I’ve worked out. There are certainly non-weight related benefits to working out, like the camaraderie. But ultimately, and honestly, I like working out because I hope that at some point I’ll firm up and lose the belly fat.
May 4, 2015
I didn’t get my period at all during April which is a little odd. It may have been my exercise schedule. Who knows?
May 4, 2015 (Email to Dad)
Hi Dad:
I’m glad you had a nice bike ride this morning. Just be careful. I’m hoping to hit the gym tomorrow. It’s been awhile so I am looking forward to getting back into it. Prior to getting sick I had been working out six days a week, and though therapy and some writing exercises I realized I was overcompensating for non-restrictive eating. The fact that I felt a little relief when I got sick and couldn’t work out was a bit of a tip off that maybe I was over doing it a bit. I wasn’t radically overexercising, but I was using it in a nonproductive way. My plan is to workout three to four times a week for 60 minutes. It’s hard to get out of the mentality of always trying to lose weight but I’m working on it.
Have a great rest of the day! I love you very, very much!!
Ali
May 5, 2015 (Handwritten)
I just purged for the first time in a month. It snuck up on me. My hope is I am finally getting my period again. I get emotional before my period. I have also been super anxious today. Nervous about going to the Cardinal game tonight and just nervous in general. Maybe I just need to….
May 7, 2015
I’m in that place where I’m so depressed I can hardly stand it. I binged and purged today. It didn’t feel like Tuesday’s purge because today felt deliberate. I am sensing my period may be showing up here soon. I feel so stuck. Like no matter what I do, I keep giving up and not doing anything. I feel like a failure with my sweet and wonderful boys because there is so much I want to do with them but I don’t.
There are so many wonderful encouraging women on tv right now. Amy Schumer, Mindy Kahling, Lena Dunham. I am sure there are more but those pop out. I should feel comfortable and confident that I have a place there.
So many of my high school classmates are making movies. Why can’t I just freaking commit to something and just do it?????? I am so frustrated with myself and my stupid depression and holding myself back. I would rather twiddle the day away reading twitter then dive headfirst into my passions. The people I respect the most are the ones who are knee deep in their passion projects. I just want to get into something and finish it. I don’t care if it gets published or made or anything. I just want to do something. I want to get out of my stupid self-stuff and do something. I know it takes a ton of work to get through this darn eating disorder and I should be better about working on it.
Argh, I am so uncomfortable with feelings!!!!!!
Dear Glennon: (At times I’ve felt like I wanted to write to her)
I relate to you so much it makes my heart hurt. I am 39. I suffered with an eating disorder for decades and made some dreadful choices when I was younger. I also find it difficult to deal with life sometimes. A lot really. I have two little boys that I get to stay home with and I’d love to say that I am proud of how much we do together but the truth is they spend at least an hour or two in front of the tv after school. I went back to work for awhile (part-time) and it was too much. The stress of trying to balance schedules felt like a never-ending game of Tetris. On top of that there were needless work stresses. I did not handle any of it well. Near the end, my husband was begging me to quit (not really but he was happy I stopped working). It wasn’t a job I was passionate about, so I let it go. I did the same with my legal career. I just think maybe I haven’t found what inspires me yet. The Black Live Matters movement had my attention, but I felt like it bordered on obsession, so I decided to take a break from it. If that isn’t white privilege, I don’t know what is.
May 18, 2015 (Unsent email to Liz, my therapist)
Argh, the depression crept in again. I woke up tired and felt anxious about the day. I wanted to get to the gym but knew I had other things to do. I had a meeting at 9:30 and I wanted to return the tiles I got to the Tile Shop. I knew the Tile shop would take some time and it had to get done this week, so I decided to get it done instead of going to the gym.
It’s like I need a plan on how to get things done. There is a lot to do but I am lucky that I do have time to do it I just need a plan to get things done
May 20, 2015
It’s been awhile since I’ve written, and I can feel it. I’m dragging and looking for inspiration and direction. I want to write. I don’t want to be famous I just want to do it for the work. I want to feel connected and inspired by something and do something.
I have this great and ridiculous fantasy of meeting him* at a con and him recognizing me from the Midsummer I did almost 15 years ago. He remembered it because it was a great experience at a not so great time in his life. He was inspired by my performance because it looked like I was having so much fun. He played Lysander before and wanted to play opposite my Hermia. (*2021 Note: I’m not sure who “him” is, maybe Stephen Amell?? I was super into Arrow at the time so that tracks. I would absolutely love to edit or cut this entire fantasy as it is embarrassing. BUT, engaging and indulging in a daydream is a tool I still use. Documenting a daydream involves vulnerability and creativity and often makes me feel better.)
It’s funny how one person’s performance can stick with you. I remember the kid who played the Baker in Shorewood High School’s production of Into the Woods back in the late 80s or early 90s. I don’t remember his name, but I remember Kate Baldwin, who played Cinderella.
Anyway, he and I talk and hold up the line. We forget where we are for a minute. He asks what I’m doing now. I tell him I went to law school, became a lawyer, became a mom, then a SAHM and even though my kids are still small, I’m looking for inspiration.
His story inspires me. The growth he has shown as an actor and the passion and dedication he has is impressive and enviable. He thanks me and stops for a moment. I thought he was going to wrap things up and then he asks, “Have you ever been to a panel? No, have you ever moderated a panel?” “No.” I said suspiciously. “I don’t have a moderator for my panel in an hour and I know you have stage presence. You interested?” Excitement and parallelizing fear can feel like the same things sometimes. A large smile crept across my face, “Yes.” He reciprocates my smile, “Perfect. This is going to be awesome.”
May 27, 2015
The strangest thing happened yesterday. A woman accused me of stealing her bracelet. Crazy. I don’t think I’ve ever been accused of anything like that ever. In retrospect, I can see she was harassing me because she thought I took the bracelet she dropped. However, at the time I thought nothing of it because it never occurred to me that she might suspect I took it.
It started in the garden house at Home Depot. I was there with Wyatt and Harrison. Harrison was in the cart and Wyatt was walking. As we walked down an aisle of plants a woman walked past and asked if we had seen a diamond tennis bracelet. “No.” I responded. I think I even asked Wyatt and he said the same. I thought nothing of it, and we continued looking at flowers. She kind of hovered around me and talked more about how it fell off while she was loading the mulch and someone told her it was there but by the time she back over to the mulch it was gone. She called the person a thief and said karma would get them. Again, I felt badly that she lost her bracelet, but I continued on my way.
When I was checking out, she came up and offered a $1000 reward (I now realize that she was offering it to me specifically because she thought I took it). It was awkward so I joked to Wyatt that he should go back and look for it because it would be a good start to his college fund. I asked if she checked to see if anyone turned it in and she said no. Then I left. I was loading the boys into the car she came up and tried to take a picture of my license plate. I was completely floored. She started running away and I asked if she thought I took her bracelet. She continued running away and said something about checking security tapes. I was completely dumbstruck. I wish I would have gone in and confronted her and stood up for myself.
I did not take her bracelet. I never even saw her bracelet. If I had seen it, I would have picked it up and turned it in. It bothers me that she stalked me, and it really bothers me that she tried to take a picture of my license plate. I don’t think she got it because my trunk was open, and the plate is on the trunk. It also bothers me that she thought I was the type of person who would do something dishonest in front of, and including, my children. Let’s not forget that I had both my kids with me, and she stalked and harassed me about an expensive bracelet she was foolish enough to wear to buy mulch at Home Depot.
*2021 Note: Rereading this six years later still tickles my anxiety. I never heard anything more about it. My guess is the woman checked the tape and realized I was no where near the area where she lost her bracelet. I like to think she felt bad and apologetic for stalking and harassing me. But maybe she didn’t, she was probably just really bummed about losing her bracelet. I hope she found it.
May 29, 2015
I’m feeling better about the chaos at Home Depot last week. I hope the lady now knows I did not take her bracelet. For some reason that matters to me.
I have been trying to write more and I suppose I have. I don’t make as much time for it as I would like but I have done it more regularly.
May 31, 2015 (Email to my Church Pastor)
*2021 Note: During his Sunday morning sermon, our Pastor stood in front of the entire congregation and said homosexuality is not a sin.
Dear Pastor:
My name is Ali Fields. I wanted to take a moment to thank you for your powerful sermon this morning. Putting yourself out there and taking a definitive stance on such a controversial issue was AWESOME (I really cannot think of a more apt term) and truly inspiring.
For most of my life I have been uncomfortable with organized religion. I have always believed that God is everywhere and he/she loves everyone. His/her Son preached love and then died for all of us. That is some intense love right there. So when people, who said they were Christians, preached hate and cast judgment upon those who were different, it never rang true to me. Any time I made an effort to find a church there would be a sermon about hate and how people who were different were not as good as “us.” It was very disheartening.
Years later, after having our first child (we now have two boys ages 4 and 2), my husband and I started talking about looking for a church (he had a similar feeling about organized religion). We were both skeptical as neither one of us wanted to raise our children in an environment where they were taught to hate/judge people who were different. But we wanted our kids to be raised with sense of community.
We feel very blessed to have discovered MUMC in 2012. A friend recommended the preschool so I went to take a tour. I loved it. Shortly thereafter, we started the New Member Class and identified with the openness and inclusiveness of the Church. We understood that some things (specifically, homosexuality/Gay Marriage) were still a work in progress but that at the base of everything there was love and acceptance of all people. That sounded like a good place to start.
Thank you for taking the time to talk about the hard stuff. It is so very important and so very easy to not do. You set a great example.
Sincerely,
Ali
***This post is part of blog series called Revealing My Road to Recovered. For more information about the series please click here: Revealing My Road to Recovered.
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