Writing What You Can’t Say Yet
Growing up my sense of self was heavily influenced by the world around me. It was confusing because I didn’t feel good about who the world seemed to want me to be, but I didn’t have the knowledge, wisdom or language to push back against those expectations.
The pain, confusion, uncertainty and anxiety of having to conform to other people’s expectations drove me to seek refuge or some type of control. As a child, I didn’t have access to alcohol or drugs, but I had access to food. Eating felt good. Food tasted good and filled a void I couldn’t name. The seemingly “quick fix” quickly transformed into an addiction.
Soon the only thoughts and feelings I had easy access to were about food and my body.
Fast forward to June 2015. At 39 years old, I was making tangible progress in recovery. Every day was hard fought, but for the first time in decades, I was able to distinguish who I was (my Healthy Self) from the eating disorder (ED Self).
The eating disorder was still very much a part of my daily life. I can see her all over the June 2015 entries below. But I can also see me, the Ali who yearned for a deeper connection with her partner. The Ali who desperately wanted to fight for social justice. The Ali who wanted to connect with something bigger than herself. The Ali who wanted to belong.
I see seeds of the person I am and the relationships I have today beginning to sprout in these entries as I begin to name what I need and want.
Uncovering and exploring my long-suppressed thoughts and feelings wasn’t easy or particularly articulate. It was messy, confusing and at times contradictory. My journal was a safe space to explore those thoughts and feelings.
June 16, 2015
I need to get back at this. I have been itching to write and haven’t really done so in quite a while. I’m feeling okay. I’ve been sick. Last week I ate well but this week I’ve been falling off the wagon a bit. Not in the ED sense, but I’ve been eating things that aren’t as healthy. I let myself do it and I didn’t punish myself. I feel like I am in a much better place emotionally than I have been.
During my session with Liz last Sunday, I realized my ED-self had gotten smaller and my healthy-self has gotten stronger and larger. I can tell the two apart now. That’s a pretty big accomplishment. Lots and lots of baby steps. The problem with baby steps is that you don’t really feeling like anything is happening. Then you look back a few months later and realize a seismic shift occurred.
There were several times I felt like I wasn’t doing anything or felt guilty like I should be doing more but I held steady. What I am just now beginning to realize is that this is probably the best pace for me if I want long-term change. I have always been a disciple of the church of instant gratification. One day I decide to make a huge change and then I go for it and it lasts a day or so. Sometimes it lasts several weeks. The Gold’s Challenge got me for seven weeks.
I am going to force myself to write. Write, write, write. One thing I would like to dive into is my issue with making dinner. It really is the one shared meal of the day and I think that is a source of the problem. I like eating and making food for myself, but I don’t love when it includes another adult. It’s something to think about
June 18, 2015
Another mass shooting. Terrorism. A white male sat in a prayer meeting for almost an hour before he killed nine people in the group. Horrible. The shooter is a racist terrorist and is no doubt surrounded by other racists. Watching how the media humanizes white murders and dehumanizes black victims of police brutality is eye opening. It is ever so subtle and nuanced, but it is there. Black victims are criminals and “thugs” whereas white mass murders are loners, troubled and/or depressed.
When white people commit mass murder, we look for the reason. When black people are killed by cops, we assume they deserved it. I tried to have a conversation with Steve about this and he just doesn’t want to talk about. It caused a fight, but it just boils down to Steve not wanting to talk about hard things outside of work. So. Noted. I’ve got to find a friend I can talk to.
June 19, 2015
I am so incredibly disappointed. Steve and I’s inability to talk about anything of substance outside our marriage is disappointing. It’s always been an issue and one that I have always overlooked. In the scheme of things, I don’t think it is a deal breaker because there are so many other things about our relationship that are great. But it leaves me feeling very alone at times.
My support of Black Lives Matters has most certainly alienated me from many of my friends. I don’t talk about it much because there aren’t people in my daily life I feel comfortable talking about it with.
So, I now realize I was a bit unfair. Steve has his own stresses. I love him and am lucky to have such a wonderful husband. I just need to find my outlet.
June 19, 2015 (later)
I’m not feeling great today. Depression crept in which makes me more susceptible to my ED self. Food makes me feel better momentarily but then I feel bad. I have almost gotten use to feeling bad because of food. Like that is my normal. I have used food to change how I’m feeling for so long (even though it makes me feel worse) that I really don’t know what else to do.
Food only makes me feel better for a moment, but I haven’t found anything else that works. After the moment passes, I feel horrible and commit to doing things differently tomorrow. I love the hope of starting something new and getting a different result, but I never follow through. It’s like I’m addicted to starting but I have no follow through.
My cycle: Uncomfortable, sad, bad, depressed, anxious feeling à Emotional eating (not enough to be a binge but enough to fill me up to make me feel a more than full) à While I’m eating those feelings are drowned out by food à I feel overly full (not like I have to purge but like I’m so full of food there isn’t room for anything else)
June 20, 2015
Okay, I need to have a conversation with my ED self. I am fairly confident that my healthy self is the one that wants to eat healthier and maintain a healthy lifestyle because I am so tired of being tired and getting sick so often. I also don’t do a lot because I am afraid of getting run down and sick. Seriously, I should not be getting sick so much. My bloodwork is good, so this is related to my food and exercise level?
June 27, 2015
My Level of Motivation
I feel stuck, defeated and I am having trouble finding the motivation to keep trying. No matter how hard I try emotional eating and weight loss as a goal keep finding their way back into my psyche.
Since I restarted my recovery process two months ago I have made progress. I have only had a bulimia relapse once. It was back in May and it caught me by surprise. I was just sitting at the counter and all of a sudden, I knew I was going to purge. I then binged and purged once or twice more that afternoon. I believe I purged again one time the next day and possibly one more time the following day. I will characterize this relapse as an improvement because historically one binge/purge cycle triggers several and I am lost to it for a couple days (even that is an improvement over a few years ago). I was able to pull myself out of it without binging and purging too many times.
I am getting better about acknowledging my feelings when I am feeling them and talking about them. My relationships are better. Specifically, my relationship with my Mom is really great. My relationship with Steve has hit a couple rocky parts but we are trying to communicate more. Rather, I am trying very hard to tell him that I need more communication.
I am also better at eating consciously rather than emotionally. I still eat emotionally but not as much as I use too. I am also not constantly trying to lose weight. I am working on loving and accepting who I am. Although I still hear the ED voice in my head telling me that I would be happier if I was thinner. Even though I hear her, I am able to shush her. She feels smaller to me now.
I am also writing a lot more. I’m not writing as much as I’d like, but it is still significantly more than what I was doing in years prior. It does make me feel better sometimes and it most certainly helps me figure out where I am emotionally and what I am feeling.
***This post is part of blog series called Revealing My Road to Recovered. For more information about the series please click here: Revealing My Road to Recovered.
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