It’s Hard to Hide From Yourself When Journaling Regularly
Trigger Warning: Eating disorder thoughts and behaviors
In January 2015, I started yet another diet/punishing workout regimen with the hope of fixing my life. By mid-February, I was mentally and physically holding on by a thread.
By February 19, 2015, I didn’t have the bandwidth to write what I thought I should write and I couldn’t pretend I was fine anymore. So I sat down at my computer, opened my “Daily Notes” document and wrote honestly.
Being honest with myself didn’t cure the eating disorder (I didn’t even realize I had one at this point), or “fix” my feelings, but it helped. Sitting down and writing helped. Writing through my feelings released enough tension that I was able to get out of my head and be more mentally present that day. I even got into the picture with my boys.
Establishing a writing practice didn't happen overnight
On January 1, 2015, I committed to write everyday for two hours. I even put a daily reminder on my phone that popped up everyday at 9:00 am. Looking back, my healthy (authentic) self set a goal to write and my eating disorder self (ED Self) set the lofty expectation to write everyday for two hours.
The eating disorder frequently set unrealistic parameters that were difficult to meet. When I couldn’t maintain or meet a goal I felt like a failure. The failure felt like confirmation that I wasn’t good enough. Those painful feelings left me desperate for a relief. They kept me dependent on the eating disorder.
I wrote my first entry on January 5 and only journaled twice the entire month. I should-ed myself for not writing more and tried to set a more realistic goal to write everyday for lent. In years past, I gave up because I couldn’t meet the unrealistic goals the eating disorder set.
Despite the shoulding, the shame, guilt and feelings of failure, I picked up my computer, sat down at my dining room table, opened my “Daily Notes” document, and continued to write.
Learning to trust myself and my journal also didn't happen overnight.
I see parts of my authentic self in these journal entries. I see my curiosity and ache to create. I also see the woman I performed. A woman trying to be a good woman, a good mom, a good wife, a good friend. I was use to performing as the Ali I thought others wanted or expected me to be. So use to it, I did it in my own private journal. It took time and multiple entries to begin to trust myself and the safety of my journal.
February 19, 2015
I am so unhappy I can hardly stand it. I don’t feel great and didn’t feel up to doing Gold’s Fit today. I have no idea why this happens to me sometimes. I feel so upset and unhappy and I can’t seem to get it right. I want to stuff myself and get drunk on food. That is the only thing that seems to snap me out of it. Not even my adorable boys can snap me out of my funk. I love them so much and just feel like such a horrible mom when this happens. I know that after I purge and get drunk on food, I will feel numb and then the guilt will set in.
“Why did I sabotage myself yet again?” As soon as I start getting under control, my grumpies come back and I feel like a crazy person and sabotage myself and all of my efforts. I want to be better than this. I so so so very much want to be better than this.
I just want to feel even and level. I feel like if I could just stay on an even keel, I could be a better person. The person I was always meant to be. Maybe I should take that writing class, maybe that will get me on track. I think it may start this week. That is a plan. I’m not sure how much it will help but it may help a bit. Maybe writing will help me sort out my feelings and help me get through these episodes. I just want to feel okay and be a better, more present mom for my boys.
I realized today that writing from 2 pm – 4 pm is not a good plan. The boys constantly interrupt me during that time. I may change up the schedule a bit and take the boys somewhere to play from noon until and then see if Harrison will nap and give Wyatt some tv time.
Okay I think I may be onto something because I am starting to feel a little better. It almost feels like someone shut off the gas main release for my feelings. The pressure of all the uncomfortable feelings builds and I feel like I am going to explode. It makes me physically uncomfortable, so I tend to turn to food to help change the way I feel physically.
This morning I tried to work out but that didn’t help either. I felt nauseous and lightheaded. Writing was my last resort, and it looks like it was the one I should have turned to in the first place. It isn’t surprising. I think I have always known that a key to my mental happiness is through writing. Instead of binging and purging on food. It is time to start purging all those uncomfortable thoughts and feelings onto a piece of paper.
I want to live my best life. I want to provide a life of fun and adventure for my boys, but I am often paralyzed by my own fears and insecurities. And, let’s face it, uncomfortable feelings. I just don’t have healthy coping strategies in place. I am about 1000 times better than I use to be (as evidenced by the fact that I recognize that I don’t have enough strategies)
Writing helps release that tension and pressure safely. At least I hope it does, the tension building inside me can feel unbearable at times.
February 23, 2015
I’m here writing again. I switched things up and decided to come downstairs from 7-9 am to write. It’s too difficult to do it during the day with the boys around. The constant interruptions aren’t conducive to writing. I don’t know what I want to write about. I just know I want to do it because it makes me feel better.
I want to do something that matters, and I want to work. Hard work is everything and I am so bad at it. So many of the people I greatly admire worked really hard. To then watch them share their hard work is special. I want to do something that matters to me. That makes me feel better and feel more connected to the world.
I remember the first couple weeks I was bulimic. For the first time, I felt connected to something bigger. I’m not sure if it was because I had a secret, or because bulimia seemed like something famous people did. It felt amazing. It lasted a week. I spent the next 10 years chasing that high. I never got it.
I’ve been trying to find another way to chase that high. I felt it a bit when I was in LA at the Theatricum. Specifically, when I played Hermia. I worked so hard to get that part and when I got it, I felt amazing. Up to that point, I don’t think I’d ever worked so hard to get something. It paid off and it felt fantastic.
But then, per usual, I got lazy. That is my problem. I am so lazy, and it takes so much effort to connect with myself and start writing. The older I get the more convinced I am that the people who work the hardest are the ones I admire most. Some people can just fall into something, but most people must put in the work.
And they make it look easy. There lies the rub. Amy Schumer sticks out to me. I remember seeing her on Last Comic Standing several years ago. She didn’t win but I remember her working so hard and when she had her moment to shine several years later, she was ready. She had done the work. Stephen Amell is similar. He worked very hard to get where he is, and he actually got their quickly. But he put in the work.
The problem is I don’t want to put in the work. I wish I could just think my dreams into reality without doing the work, but then I wouldn’t appreciate it. Who am I kidding? I’d probably f it all up and turn to drugs. Maybe that’s what happens when people get something without putting in the work. They aren’t prepared and they second guess themselves (or think too much of themselves) and unravel.
What what what should I write…
March 1, 2015
So here I am again. I have been working hard the last 6 weeks to get my body and mind in check. I feel like I have made some great strides but for whatever reason I can’t seem to get that number on the scale to go down. I am sure my portions are too big, but I don’t eat grains or dairy. I realized that maybe I am just doing life wrong. I say that as I sit downstairs writing (with the T.V. on…Suits) but maybe that is the key.
This morning we took the boys to see a show at church. It was the Tale of the Three Trees. It’s about 3 trees who have dreams to be (or do…they’re trees so I’m not sure…) great things. They put their trust in God. It got me thinking about God’s plan for me. I am not sure if I have ever been quiet enough to listen and figure out which direction, he/she is directing me to go. God has a plan for me, and I feel like I’ve been too busy (or too distracted) to listen.
I have accomplished some great things, much more than I ever thought I would. I have an amazing husband, two phenomenal kids, and a law degree. I feel like there have been snippets indicating the direction God wants me to go (my love of theatre and storytelling) but I have been too lazy to pursue them. I am not sure that lazy is the correct term. I think it’s my fear of putting myself out there, of writing something and having nothing happen. Or maybe the fear of writing something and having everything happen. I get nervous when I put stuff on Facebook. Can you imagine if I wrote something and it turned into something?
So that led me to think that maybe I am doing life wrong. Maybe my focus is in the wrong place. I have had that inkling for a long, long time that I should be writing. I have always loved creating stories. So, what can I do to start telling more stories?
Read more books, read more books to my kids? Start spending more time writing to get my creative juices flowing?
March 11, 2015
I did it this morning. I got up early and came downstairs to do morning pages. I also had my first warm lemon water. Ummmm… Let’s just say, it is an acquired taste. I am going to get a new computer soon as my laptop has issues. I think I’m going to go back to a PC. Despite owning this MAC for over 5 years I still don’t know much about using it.
I signed up for that writing class. It starts next Wednesday. I am excited to get started.
March 13, 2015
My defenses are worn, and I need a break.
I watched a good documentary last night. Harmontown. Dan Harmon is a dick. He admits it and makes no apologies for who he is. He writes about misfits finding a place with each other.
It’s funny because when I was younger, I remember hearing about him and Rob Schrab (mostly Rob Schrab-probably because of the catchy name) and they seemed like the cool kids. But if you look at Harmon, he is so flawed. He has gotten everything he wants and is still such a dick. He has depression issues and can be so cold to the people he loves. I can relate to some of it because there are moments when I scare myself with how quickly and easily I can detach myself emotionally from Wyatt. Thank God for grace. I don’t like when it happens and thankfully it doesn’t happen often.
Harmon made me think about the fact that I hate cooking for people. I really don’t enjoy entertaining. I wish I did but I don’t. I’ve tried to enjoy it but, truth be told, I hate it. I don’t even like cooking for my family. For a moment while I watched the documentary it felt great to admit to myself that I genuinely dislike entertaining company. I also really don’t enjoy having people stay with us, even friends. Actually, I don’t mind when Kristian and Sara and the kids come because they are so great with Wyatt and Harrison. Jean is great with the kids as well.
So, I hate entertaining people and hosting them at my house. I suck at it and I don’t really even care enough to find a way to like it.
Hmmmm…what else did Harmon help me admit? I am very selfish.
March 14, 2015
I binged and purged a couple times in the last two days. I need to nip it in the bud. I know what triggered it on Thursday. I had a day and was beyond frustrated and upset. I did not have a good outlet for my emotions. I wonder if I would have binged and purged if I had worked out on Thursday. Oh wait, I walked at the gym for [number redacted] yesterday and still binged and purged last night.
Last night likely had something to do with the fact that I was starving when I got home and Rick and Sam both lost a lot of weight for the challenge and I lost zero weight. I’ve lost a few inches which is encouraging but it’s frustrating. Phillip gave me a great analogy about fat being marshmallows and marbles being muscle. One pound of marshmallows takes up a lot more space than one pound of marbles. I know that I probably haven’t been as diligent on my diet as I could have. I obviously took a turn because I binged and purged the last couple days.
I can proudly say that this is the first time in the 8 weeks since I started this program that I binged and purged. That is positive. I just need to make sure I get back on track. I feel like this week just got to be too much.
I also wrote yesterday. Maybe when I feel a binge coming on I should just sit down and write first and get my frustrations out. I feel like I keep a lot of stuff in and I need to get them out.
Steve and I don’t talk a ton about feelings and stuff. That is probably not a great thing. Sometimes when it’s been way too long Steve will notice and instigate something. I’m not as good about instigating the conversation. I will sometimes do it if Steve wants sex. For me physical intimacy is not at all enjoyable without emotional intimacy. If we haven’t had a good talk in a long time, then I’m pretty sex averse. Reestablishing the emotional intimacy is very important to me. We haven’t had a lot of that lately.
It’s the end of the day. I am not proud of who I was today, and I am currently profoundly unhappy. I suspect that the time before my period is not a great time. My hormones are making me crazy and I can’t handle shit.
March 15, 2015
So, I got my period today. That may explain why I have been so depressed the last couple days. It happened last month around this time as well. The depression is so intense, it is hard to keep it together, especially with the kids. I am going to go back to eating a more plant-based diet because I don’t think my depression got quite so bad when I was vegan.
It just dawned on me that I may have been an a-hole to a neighbor down the street. She mentioned that she wished she had just stayed home and then I went into a whole thing about being a stay at home mom and that I can always work later. I hope I didn’t make her feel bad. I really don’t know how to talk to people sometimes.
***This post is part of blog series called Revealing My Road to Recovered. For more information about the series please click here: Revealing My Road to Recovered
