Spiralling Towards Recovery

Trigger Warning: Eating disorder thoughts and behaviors.

I established a writing practice in January and two and a half months later it started to pay off. I recognize that seems like an odd thing to say as I was clearly spiraling and desperate to grab hold of something to make it stop. But I continued to show up and write.

It’s hard to read these entries. The first entry is edited. I removed a couple paragraphs at the top of the entry. I was full of anger, frustration and desperation and it came out as judgement and blame. It was the first time I let some of the anger, frustration, fear, shame etc. come out of me. It was messy, mean, hurtful and safe. That I let those painful feelings out for the first time is more important than what I wrote.

On March 14, 2015 I didn’t think the eating disorder was a problem. I thought I was a problem. That was about to change.

**I am sorry to Dan Harmon. We’re from the same town, but I’ve never met him and have absolutely no idea if he is a dick or not.

March 13, 2015

My defenses are worn, and I need a break.

I watched a good documentary last night. Harmontown. Dan Harmon is a dick. He admits it and makes no apologies for who he is. He writes about misfits finding a place with each other.

It’s funny because when I was younger, I remember hearing about him and Rob Schrab (mostly Rob Schrab-probably because of the catchy name) and they seemed like the cool kids. But if you look at Harmon, he is so flawed. He has gotten everything he wants and is still such a dick. He has depression issues and can be so cold to the people he loves. I can relate to some of it because there are moments when I scare myself with how quickly and easily I can detach myself emotionally from Wyatt. Thank God for grace. I don’t like when it happens and thankfully it doesn’t happen often.

Harmon made me think about the fact that I hate cooking for people. I really don’t enjoy entertaining. I wish I did but I don’t. I’ve tried to enjoy it but, truth be told, I hate it. I don’t even like cooking for my family. For a moment while I watched the documentary it felt great to admit to myself that I genuinely dislike entertaining company. I also really don’t enjoy having people stay with us, even friends. Actually, I don’t mind when Kristian and Sara and the kids come because they are so great with Wyatt and Harrison. Jean is great with the kids as well.

So, I hate entertaining people and hosting them at my house. I suck at it and I don’t really even care enough to find a way to like it.

Hmmmm…what else did Harmon help me admit? I am very selfish.

March 14, 2015

I binged and purged a couple times in the last two days. I need to nip it in the bud. I know what triggered it on Thursday. I had a day and was beyond frustrated and upset. I did not have a good outlet for my emotions. I wonder if I would have binged and purged if I had worked out on Thursday. Oh wait, I walked at the gym for [number redacted] yesterday and still binged and purged last night.

Last night likely had something to do with the fact that I was starving when I got home and Rick and Sam both lost a lot of weight for the challenge and I lost zero weight. I’ve lost a few inches which is encouraging but it’s frustrating. Phillip gave me a great analogy about fat being marshmallows and marbles being muscle. One pound of marshmallows takes up a lot more space than one pound of marbles. I know that I probably haven’t been as diligent on my diet as I could have. I obviously took a turn because I binged and purged the last couple days.

I can proudly say that this is the first time in the 8 weeks since I started this program that I binged and purged. That is positive. I just need to make sure I get back on track. I feel like this week just got to be too much.

I also wrote yesterday. Maybe when I feel a binge coming on I should just sit down and write first and get my frustrations out. I feel like I keep a lot of stuff in and I need to get them out.

Steve and I don’t talk a ton about feelings and stuff. That is probably not a great thing. Sometimes when it’s been way too long Steve will notice and instigate something. I’m not as good about instigating the conversation. I will sometimes do it if Steve wants sex. For me physical intimacy is not at all enjoyable without emotional intimacy. If we haven’t had a good talk in a long time, then I’m pretty sex averse. Reestablishing the emotional intimacy is very important to me. We haven’t had a lot of that lately.

It’s the end of the day. I am not proud of who I was today, and I am currently profoundly unhappy. I suspect that the time before my period is not a great time. My hormones are making me crazy and I can’t handle shit.

March 15,2 2015

So, I got my period today. That may explain why I have been so depressed the last couple days. It happened last month around this time as well. The depression is so intense, it is hard to keep it together, especially with the kids. I am going to go back to eating a more plant-based diet because I don’t think my depression got quite so bad when I was vegan.

It just dawned on me that I may have been an a-hole to a neighbor down the street. She mentioned that she wished she had just stayed home and then I went into a whole thing about being a stay at home mom and that I can always work later. I hope I didn’t make her feel bad. I really don’t know how to talk to people sometimes.

***This post is part of blog series called Revealing My Road to Recovered. For more information about the series please click here: Revealing My Road to Recovered