Pay Attention to What You Pay Attention To
*This post is part of blog series called Revealing My Road to Recovered. For more information about the series please click here: Revealing My Road to Recovered.
By August 2015 something was stirring and shifting inside me. I started to make paying attention to what I paid attention to, a practice. Rather than let the spark of interest pass, I stayed with it. I let myself explore the thoughts and feelings that came up as I continued to immerse myself in things that mattered to me and made me think… and question.
NOTE: (The comments in italics I added recently for context)
August 3, 2015
I had a good session with Liz yesterday. We talked about my anxiety pattern and how I use bulimia to manage it. I’m reading about recovery sabotaging behaviors in 8 Keys and relate to the section on body checking. I body check all the time and don’t even notice it.
I body check when I put my clothes on, when I look in the mirror and in pictures. I genuinely don’t like the way I look in pictures. I don’t really let that stop me from taking them because I want to be in pictures with the boys. But I think I probably take fewer pictures than I’d like because I know that I hate the way I look in them.
August 4, 2015
Last night was a really good group. Lots of sharing which was super. Lots of Mom issues in the group and also some Dad issues. It helps to put things into perspective. We all have our stuff, some of it worse than others, but we have all turned to our eating disorders to escape from dealing with the underlying pain.
August 5, 2015
We went to the Butterfly house, but I do not think I will be going back there anytime soon. Being in the enclosed area with over 2000 flying insects freaked me out. The boys loved it. I did not. My anxiety went through the roof, and I had to get out of there. Steve stayed with the boys while I hung out in the air conditioning. The boys then played on the playground adjacent to the Butterfly House. I noticed Wyatt help a little boy who lost his shoe. He found a shoe on the stairs and took it to the boy and his mommy. It was so sweet, and I was so proud.
I am proud of myself for reaching out to Jana yesterday. I was offended by her Facebook post. The post itself wasn’t overtly offensive, but the comments were. Lots of body shaming. I reached out to her privately and mentioned that the comments seemed to be body shaming and she responded that that wasn’t her intention. She was very understanding and encouraging, she even thanked me for reaching out. I felt so much better. I was stewing about it so instead of just sitting there and letting it fester, I reached out and expressed how it made me feel. I tried not to be confrontational and just let her know how the post made me feel. It worked out well. Reaching out and connecting to people is a wee foreign but I am going to keep going. The fear I have is of exposing myself to be hurt but I suppose the payoff of friendship is worth the risk of getting hurt.
August 6, 2015
Tomorrow marks three months since I last binged and purged. Aside from when I was pregnant, I think it may be the longest I have ever gone without binging and purging. I am finding new ways to help with anxiety that will hopefully keep me from turning to binging and purging in the future.
I read an article about Ta-Nehisi Coates and he talks about not being a great student but being an avid reader (I can’t find the original article I read but here is another good one: The Hard Truths of Ta-Nehisi Coates — NYMag). The not being a good student part gave me hope. I am not an avid reader so I should probably up my reading game. Another part of the Coates interview that I liked was how he talked about writing and rewriting and rewriting and rewriting. We just see the finished product which can be deceptive because we have no idea how much work went into it. I suppose I just assume writing is easy for everyone but me.
I just want to start using my paint brush (Paintbrush is in reference to a piece written by Glennon Doyle called, Your Body Is Not Your Masterpiece | HuffPost), so-to-speak, but I’m not quite sure what to paint. I have spent so long trying to make my brush ready or perfect that I have no idea how to even paint. That is part of why I am writing in the morning, to get some practice.
If I could do anything, what would I do? I would work on movies or television. I have always loved both. This guy I knew in law school is now writing and directing movies which is just the coolest. I never knew he had any interest in film. He’s doing it. He graduated law school a year before me, and I worked as an attorney for a couple years and then nixed it and started pursing his passion of making movies. Pretty cool. I tend to think of starting at the end, i.e. working on an Oscar worthy film or Emmy worthy show or something with a-list actors, which is ridiculous and prevents me from even starting. It’s like, if I’m not working on a tv show or movie with noted people it’s not good enough.
I started watching this Danish show called Hjørdis (pronounced “Your dis”). It is about a teacher charged with putting on an anti-bullying drama with a bunch of misfit kids. When I saw the title of the show, Hjørdis, I was immediately drawn to it because my Dad (who was born in Norway) wanted to name me Hjørdis.
I love the message of the show: You are special and powerful, just as you are. You just need to realize it and assert yourself and do something. Hjørdis is a larger bodied woman, and the principal is thin and aesthetically beautiful. The crowned princess of Denmark is coming to see the show and so the principal wants the talented kids in the show. The principal goes so far to get talented kids from another school to come in and they basically take over and kick the other kids, and Hjørdis, out.
The kids are all odd ducks. Hjørdis takes ownership and confronts the principal and says that she wants to direct the anti-bullying show and she wants her kids in it. She finally threatens to quit unless the principal lets her do it. The principal caves and Hjørdis takes ownership of the anti-bullying drama and gets the kids excited about the show.
I love the idea and premise of this show. It’s like Glee but without the singing and with people who look like the people I see every day. Hjødis isn’t thin and I love it! I loved getting to know her and her insecurities.
As I look up Hjørdis online, I think, “There should be an American adaptation! I should pitch it!” My next thought is that someone smarter and way more talented than me is probably already doing it so why bother. And I don’t do it.
I feel like I need to do something completely original. But ummm Rita (Hjørdis) is a spinoff and it’s basically Bad Teacher. Plus, fan fiction is a very real thing. Further, if I work on writing this show, I’m doing it for me. I’m using my creativity to help relieve my anxiety.
August 7, 2015
I finished watching Hjørdis yesterday. I absolutely loved the show and would love to see more shows like it on American television. I love the themes of the show which are essentially about being brave enough to be who you are.
I relate to the themes in the show so much because whenever you think of putting on a show you think of song and dance. Talented kids put on an amazing song and dance show. When Hjørdis took over the show she tried to have the kids conform to a song and dance show, but they just weren’t good at it. It wasn’t who they were, so she flipped the script and scrapped the song and dance show. She told the kids that they could do a show, but they had to be themselves. So, each kid got up on stage and talked about themselves and that is how they built the show.
I also loved that there was really no love interest story for Hjørdis. Her focus was on the children and helping them find the bravery to be themselves. There was a mild hint of a romance with Anton at the end but nothing overt. I like the idea of him being attracted to her not because she she showed up to the final performance looking like a beautiful princess. I think he should be attracted to her because she found a way to help him understand and embrace his son.
August 8, 2015
I am so MAD. Another unarmed black teen was shot and killed by police yesterday. Shot and killed by a police officer in training within 1.3 seconds. His name is Christian Taylor. A college football player who obviously had something going on (drunk, high or mental illness) as evidence by him being at a car dealership at 1:00 AM. The cops that showed up shot him within 1.3 seconds of seeing him. He had no weapon. I am disgusted.
The picture of Christian Taylor breaks my heart. It is not a mug shot, which is so very, very often used (even when the black person was not committing a crime when they were killed). I hope they don’t have a mug shot because that makes it so easy for white people to dismiss a human being. I understand that black people get mug shots for RIDICULOUS reasons like telling a police officer your name is Mike Smith instead of Michael Smith. Simply questioning a ticket for a jaywalking offense, a black person can get slapped with assaulting an officer.
Sandra Bland was just a month ago but since her death we’ve had Sam Dubose and now Christian Taylor. Oh and Jack Hammond, a white kid, who was also shot and killed by police over something so stupid. Christian Taylor. Christian Taylor. A good kid. He looked drunk or high in the video released. Drunk or high. Seriously who has never been drunk or high and done something really fucking stupid???? Ummmmm… yeah. Thought so
August 10, 2015
Just finished the chapter about reaching out to people rather the ED in 8 Keys. It’s really interesting and something I needed to read. Katie has really been a huge factor in my recovery. She calls me. She’s been calling me for a while and now I’ve started calling her too. She is great to talk to and such a wonderful, kind and open person. The power of her friendship is important.
Argh, I just checked twitter. Depressing. I am going to focus on some good. Diversity is good. Hjørdis is good.
August 11, 2015 (Email to Dad)
Hey Dad:
I decided to start getting up at 5 am to write because writing helps me relieve anxiety. A few weeks ago I figured out (Steve helped) that anxiety is what most often leads me to use eating disorder behaviors. For whatever reason I have a predisposition for anxiety. It starts manageable but continues to build and build until I feel like that bottle of tonic water that exploded when I opened it at your house on Sunday night. Historically the only thing to relieve that pressure was to binge and purge. The cycle would then start over. Sometimes I would be able to go a month or two but that anxiety would always build to a boiling point, and I would always turn to the one mechanism of relief that I knew worked, binging and purging. I wouldn’t necessarily feel better, I usually felt disappointment, shame and embarrassment, but the anxiousness would be gone.
Steve and I had a long talk about some non-eating disorder ways to manage the anxiety. One of those is writing and the only time I can really get any writing done is in the morning before the boys get up. Gold’s Fit, therapy, group therapy and connecting with people also help to manage my anxiety. I am very proud to say that it has been over three months since I used binging and purging to manage my anxiety.
The night Steve and I talked, my anxiety level was so unbearably high I felt like I was going to explode. I wasn’t tempted to using my eating disorder (I recognize this is a big deal) but I had no idea how to dissipate the anxiety. I was snapping at Steve and he confronted me about it. I didn’t respond well and was overwhelmed by anxiety and just went upstairs. Steve came up later and offered to run lines with me (this was before one of my church skits) and his kindness and willingness to connect with me even when I was not being very nice helped me open up and tell him what was going on. Opening up and talking about what I was feeling was a revelation and I felt so much better afterwards. It had the same effect of binging and purging without the disappointment, shame and embarrassment. The added bonus being that it brought Steve and I closer too.
Have a great day, Dad! I love you very, very much!!
Ali
August 12, 2015
A scene that keeps replaying in my head is about Michael Brown. The one thing I cannot wrap my brain around is why did he stop? He had already run far, at least 150 feet. Why did he stop and turn around? Was it because DW was yelling at him to stop? It’s not like Michael had shown much deference to DW’s authority up to that point. Is it because Michael decided that he was going to go after DW? DW was at least 50 feet away and had a gun pointed at him (and had already shot him) so that doesn’t track either.
The only plausible scenario is that DW was shooting at Michael’s back as he ran away (and missing his target which was incredibly reckless and illegal because he was surrounded by populated apartments and witnesses) and Michael stopped and turned to surrender. Michael was still 30 to 50 feet away from DW when he stopped and turned. And maybe DW kept shooting at him at which point Michael was like “f it” and went for it. Or maybe Michael had been shot a couple times and was stumbling.
My point is people are so quick to dismiss Michael and what happened to him because of who they perceived him to be. Yes, prior to his death, he maybe stole some cigerellos (?) and physically intimidated a store clerk. But also, maybe he didn’t. I mean it’s not like he just killed 9 people at a church. (I’m referencing Dylan Roof. The white man who attended a Bible study group at a Black Chruch, sat with the parishioners for an hour and then murdered nine of them. He was arrested without harm and given Burger King.)
August 13, 2015
I need to take a break from Twitter, and probably FB. I have gotten so wrapped up in #Black Lives Matter that my anxiety level is spiking. I am lucky that I can take a day off. Many black people do not have that luxury. I am just so infuriated by the people around me and their lack of compassion and empathy for other human beings. They are so quick to make broad judgments without taking a moment to listen to the people who are so desperately crying for our attention. It breaks my heart.
My struggle is how do I continue to stay aware while not yelling at everyone and not getting myself so worked up that I take out my frustrations on my family. I also want to expose the boys to different cultures, but I am not sure how to do it.
I told myself that I needed to take a break from twitter today, but what did I do? Yeah, “I’ll just take a quick look.” Two seconds later I’m captivated by Tef Poe’s TL and scrolling, reading and learning. So much to learn.
What I really need to do is start on my Jamie idea. I think that is what I’ll call my Hjørdis inspired show. Jamie. I rewatched the scene between Hjørdis and her Dad again last night. It is a very short scene, but it goes to the crux of the show. Hjørdis talks about how the kids aren’t really good at anything. Her dad says that he’s never met a human who isn’t good at something. “That’s why you need to believe in them, just the way they are.”
Accepting people for who they are and embracing and encouraging them to be themselves. Kids who are different are so often told to be like everyone else, so they fit in and won’t get teased. But where is the fun in that? Why don’t we try listening to each other?
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