Spinning My Wheels and Going Nowhere

January 2015 started out like every other year. I was tired. Tired of hating myself and what I looked like. Tired of feeling like a lazy mom, a lazy wife, a lazy friend and all round lazy person. I was tired of feeling like I wasn’t worthy of connection and belonging. I was tired of feeling uninspired and constantly searching for distraction. I was tired of feeling afraid. Afraid to risk, to fail, to be judged, to be laughed at, afraid to even try. Most of all, I was tired of feeling like a spectator in my own life.  

On January 1, 2015, I made two resolutions: Lose weight and write every day. Just like every year for the last three decades (and many times in between), I wanted to change. I believed change only mattered if it could be seen and measured, so I came up with a multi-faceted plan to lose weight. Despite decades of dieting fails, I convinced myself this time it would work. And once I finally lost the weight all my negative thoughts, feelings and behaviors would end, and my life would be fixed. I would be happy.

For the first time in thirty-nine years, I also made a resolution that had nothing to do with losing weight. To write everyday. I’d always thought I had to lose weight to become the woman I wanted to be, it never occurred to me that writing could help me transform into the woman I wanted to be.

I always loved writing but never thought I was good enough to do it. I had so many thoughts and ideas, but never the confidence to write them down. The idea of confronting the woman inside my head left me paralyzed with fear. Despite my fear, I started writing…